Dumped.

[Aisling]

A friend recently attended the 4th wedding of a buddy. At the reception he said, "Jerry, why don't you just compile a list of people you don't like and buy them houses?"

:lol:

[snowboardworm]

Neil, I can say that divorce was very expensive because of the lawyers that became involved. She spent 20-25K. When my bill hit 5500$ i fired my lawyer, went over to hers and showed my underbelly. with one caveat. They could take everything except my pension, i would pay no alimony and i would get to keep my email addy and self respect. They strangly enough agreed and in one stroke of the pen i dropped 600K in net worth. I gave up as as she has suffered a brain aneurism and i did not want to fight. No kids involved except for 5 animals which i gladly took over and my 12 yr old son from a former marriage.

I did not realize how unhappy i was in the marriage until i was divorced. A huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. With the aneurism, her personality changed. even her voice changed. but i can say that I walked out of there with my head held high andI know that i stood by her until she made the decision that she wanted out of the marriage. I did believe in the for better or worse idea. I can also say i will never get married again as i find life with 3 dogs and 2 cats quite acceptable. along with all my toys.

[AMK]

"went over to hers and showed my underbelly. with one caveat. They could take everything except my pension, i would pay no alimony and i would get to keep my email addy and self respect."

( sorry but that is some way funny)

"I did believe in the for better or worse idea." - I'm in the same club. I don't know why things sometimes go so nasty and make us be so cold to each other.

"I can also say i will never get married again as i find life with 3 dogs and 2 cats quite acceptable. along with all my toys." - Toys :):)

[leeho730]

I'll probably never marry... you guys are scaring the s#!t out of me

[BobD]

I'll probably never marry... you guys are scaring the s#!t out of me

It's quite safe to marry the right person. Unless you are lucky though, you need some life experience first, and a lot of honesty, both with yourself, and your potential partner.

[Neil Gendzwill]

I can say that divorce was very expensive because of the lawyers that became involved.

I have a good friend who used to be a lawyer (now a judge). He says divorces and wills are where people get the ugliest. But every once in a while, two sane people would show up at his office, say "we're getting divorced, here's how we want everything arranged, draw it up and we'll sign". A few hundred dollars later, they're done.

When my bill hit 5500$ i fired my lawyer, went over to hers and showed my underbelly.

Good for you. I like to think that if my marriage ever went under I would be capable of taking the high road as well.

I'll probably never marry... you guys are scaring the s#!t out of me

22 years and happy as a clam here. It doesn't always end badly.

[Michelle]

It's quite safe to marry the right person. Unless you are lucky though, you need some life experience first, and a lot of honesty, both with yourself, and your potential partner.

Yeah, but you never know if it's the right person (I'm sure all of you divorcees can attest to that!) Even with honesty with everyone involved, you still need a LOT of luck. I'm convinced that's what it's all about.

You guys don't scare me - it's nothing I haven't heard/seen before. It's just giving all of my thoughts a basis for validity.

I want to believe in the fairy tale, but the way it appears here, it's few and far between in relationships.

Luck. It's what it comes down to?

[Neil Gendzwill]

Luck. It's what it comes down to?

Hard work, sacrifice, compromise, all those things that a lot of people don't want to do.

[BobD]

I want to believe in the fairy tale, but the way it appears here, it's few and far between in relationships.

Luck. It's what it comes down to?

Luck, yes. You have to meet the right person. When you do though, you have to know it. Just to reassure you it is possible, I did. nineteen years together, married for seventeen, and still rock solid even through a lot of **** over the years.

[Jack M]

It's quite safe to marry the right person. Unless you are lucky though, you need some life experience first, and a lot of honesty, both with yourself, and your potential partner.

Agreed, however if you are smart and honest with yourself and each other, and you both know what you want out of life, you can forgo the years of life experience and get married younger and grow up together. Worked for me, it's been fun.

It amazes me how some people even get to the point of engagement without first going down the checklist of life goals and values with each other. I have friends where one lives to ski (was on the US team even) and the other one never skied until she met him. And she wanted 4 kids (and now has them) and he wanted 2. They live very separate lives in the winter. Another friend I used to see all the time on the slopes is now basically gone from skiing because his wife refuses to ski, and they spend all their money on her horses now. Another was a skier and an Eagle Scout, very outdoorsy, she was a city-dweller and not very active due to a back injury.

[Michelle]

Hard work, sacrifice, compromise, all those things that a lot of people don't want to do.

I think some people that are divorced would argue that they did work hard, sacrifice, and compromise and it still didn't work. So again, I go back to luck.

Jack, I agree that people CAN get married young and grow together, but in today's society that is definitely not the norm. A lot of people that take this route raise their kids, and 20 yrs later they look at each other and say "who are you and where is the person I married 20 yrs ago?" this is another agent in the divorce rate in later years. You are definitely one of the lucky ones!

[Neil Gendzwill]

I think some people that are divorced would argue that they did work hard, sacrifice, and compromise and it still didn't work. So again, I go back to luck.

True enough. But there also seem to be many people who give up easily or have some sort of fairy-tale view of how married life is supposed to be. Then they get divorced and realize it was a mistake, should have tried harder but too late... Not to denigrate all those who gave it their best and just had to throw in the towel.

[BobD]

I think some people that are divorced would argue that they did work hard, sacrifice, and compromise and it still didn't work. So again, I go back to luck.

You make sound like a prison sentence. A good marriage just doesn't feel like that. I don't think it ever feels like hard work, if you are with the right person. Having experienced a really good marriage, I look back at my first marriage and know that "working at it" for years was really just being dishonest.

[skatha]

Agreed, however if you are smart and honest with yourself and each other, and you both know what you want out of life, you can forgo the years of life experience and get married younger and grow up together. Worked for me, it's been fun.

It amazes me how some people even get to the point of engagement without first going down the checklist of life goals and values with each other. I have friends where one lives to ski (was on the US team even) and the other one never skied until she met him. And she wanted 4 kids (and now has them) and he wanted 2. They live very separate lives in the winter. Another friend I used to see all the time on the slopes is now basically gone from skiing because his wife refuses to ski, and they spend all their money on her horses now. Another was a skier and an Eagle Scout, very outdoorsy, she was a city-dweller and not very active due to a back injury.

I agree-I think way too many people go on physical attraction and then try to work out a relationship. My first husband and I had very few common interests and, they ones we did have, he never wanted me to tag along. My second husband I met thru an online site-which matches you based on interests....Of course, I had decided to go back to doing the things I liked to do...

My ex- pulled the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" bit, too. It was frustrating to me because I know that 'in love' is actually 'in lust' and no one can expect that to continue throughout someone's life, unless, of course, that person is immature. It was what it was...We went to counselling, but he'd already mentally "left" the relationship.

Hoping for the best for you guys...I agree, I wouldn't do the couch bit....

[Michelle]

You make sound like a prison sentence.

was just quoting other people....

A good marriage just doesn't feel like that. I don't think it ever feels like hard work, if you are with the right person.

I would hope not! I agree, with the right person, it should be pretty magical. At least that's what I keep telling myself

[LeeW]

It was frustrating to me because I know that 'in love' is actually 'in lust' and no one can expect that to continue throughout someone's life, unless, of course, that person is immature.

HEAR HEAR TO THAT ONE!

I'll definitely toast to that.

[patmoore]

Just did the math. Between the two marriages, I've been hitched for 33 years, slightly more than half the years I've occupied this oblate ellipsoid we call earth.

The one marriage dissolution I endured led me to wonder what things would be like if we made it as difficult to get married as it is to get unmarried.

As it is, fewer and fewer youngsters are walking down the aisle. Stay tuned....

[Aisling]

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[Allee]

Jack, I agree that people CAN get married young and grow together, but in today's society that is definitely not the norm. A lot of people that take this route raise their kids, and 20 yrs later they look at each other and say "who are you and where is the person I married 20 yrs ago?" this is another agent in the divorce rate in later years. You are definitely one of the lucky ones!

Sometimes it doesn't take that long. I was married just shy of 21, and he was 23. By the time I was 29, it was obvious to both of us that we'd grown in to very different people, with very different ideas on how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives. Then he met someone at work, and the whole thing imploded - which, looking back, was the best thing that could have happened. I'd guess it saved us another three years of drifting along, getting more and more pissed off because we no longer understood each other.

You definitely go through life cycles. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes apart, and sometimes that's just the way it is. ..

[slopestar]

Still in the house, still on the couch, there for my kids. I am going through so many changes. My kids recognize it and really like their new dad. He is I really nice guy that will do anything for his kids. We spent the weekend together and had a great time without the wife. Thursday will be our ten year anniversary. I have already written a letter to her and plan to give it to here with a rose and a photo we took just prior to our wedding that I have carried in my wallet since that day. Not sure if I should include the ring she gave me or to hold on to it for the platinum exchange rate...I still love her but it is about me and the kids. If she wants in on the new guy I am becoming then that would be great. If not, I will be a 41 year old nice guy that recently got onto great shape, with two beautiful kids that come first and in his spare time, loves to arc turns. Thanks again for the kind words and support. Every bit helps.

Oh god please let it get cold! Need to get the aggression out! Skating just doesn't do it for me...

[snowboardworm]

You definitely go through life cycles. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes apart, and sometimes that's just the way it is. ..

Agreed.

When my ex had her aneurism explode and the subsequent life changing events, I stuck through it until she was way better.

When she made the fateful decision that she did not want to be with me anymore, i was energized, as yes, i did believe in the "for better or for worse" marriage vow. I just did not have the balls to call it off as neither of us was truly happy.

I'm now in a very good relationship for 5 yrs. Although i must admit neither of us wants to live with the other. We both prefer living in different towns and seeing each other once in a while. At this point in my life, this works. I now know who I am and thoroughly enjoy being just me.

[Michelle]

He is I really nice guy that will do anything for his kids.

Good for you! I truly believe when you start living for yourself, you see things much clearer. So many people get involved (stuck) in their situations and become clouded, only to realize it way too far down the line.

Positive vibes going to you! Best of luck, and seems like if she doesn't accept what you are offering, it's her loss. :)

[slopestar]

Good for you! I truly believe when you start living for yourself, you see things much clearer. So many people get involved (stuck) in their situations and become clouded, only to realize it way too far down the line.

Positive vibes going to you! Best of luck, and seems like if she doesn't accept what you are offering, it's her loss. :)

Things are clear to me. She is done...:( My kids come first. I am at -20lbs from the time this started 3+ weeks ago. The jelly roll I have worn for 10 years is almost gone and definition is appearing where there was once flab and atrophy. I have carried my new focus and general calm into all relationships and it is paying off in dividends. My peers have greater respect for me. I am getting so much more done. Life in general is better except for the relationship with the one person I love but wont me love back. It is what it is. Friends have told me to serve her papers before she serves me/to be vindictive and throw her decision back in her face...Not going to happen...I respect her and her decision. We have both been wrong at times( me, much more often ) and If she doesn't want me then so be it. The situation on the couch is lame but being close to my kids is the most important thing for me. Today, we go to Mt High and we are all getting our season passes. Not sure how often I can take them as they have no gear ...yet! I heard that a ball can only bounce once it hits bottom...This ball is on its way up!

Oh please get cold as snowboarding is my passion and I need some lovin'!

[carvedog]

...and with a 3 year old boy and 7 year old girl....

.......The situation on the couch is lame but being close to my kids is the most important thing for me. Today, we go to Mt High and we are all getting our season passes. Not sure how often I can take them as they have no gear ...yet! I heard that a ball can only bounce once it hits bottom...This ball is on its way up!

Oh please get cold as snowboarding is my passion and I need some lovin'!

So it sounds like we need to get some gear together for you. my girls are 9 and 5. Pretty sure I have some size 14 single strap boots, depending on his shoe size they would work. Anyone have some 80cm skis? What is your girl on? Skis or board? Shoe size? If gear might hold you up from getting in some ski time with your kids, let's fix that.

Glad you are making the best of it. Haven't been in your situation, but it sounds like you are taking the high road. Be kind and respectful, love your kids - hopefully you will have peace and love in your life.

[jp1]

From experience: Both people have to work at a relationship, one person can not do it alone.

If the other person has their mind made up, you can't do anything to change it, so don't beat yourself up trying!

"Moving forward and building on the relationships I can" makes sense. Time and patience (and some good times on the hill) will be your allies, Good Luck.