Dumped.

Justin A. · July 11, 2008

My fiancee and girlfriend of almost 7 years left me Wednesday, about two and a half weeks after saying yes to marrying me. We've been living apart for about two months now, I took a new job about 100 miles from where we used to live, she was planning on staying on at her job until the end of the busy season in September, then we were going to look for someplace at the seacoast to live. The events that led to this are insanely complicated and 90% of people wouldn't understand how they happened. Basically, we've had an open relationship for close to 3 years now, and she met this guy back in Decemberish and they've gone out a few times as friends, and when his 12 year old cousin asked them what they were, she said "**** buddies" (this was just last week, BTW). A few weeks ago, she told him that she wanted to start breaking things off with him because they were starting to get in the way of us, and he just tried harder - that's when they started going out on saturday nights (she likes to drink and dance at clubs as a release from work), so she could get work out of her system and have a good time. Apparently she thinks she's fallen for this guy that she's been hanging out with for a few months, and she doesn't want to completely give me up so we're still doing things together, but without wearing her engagement ring :(. I'll take her back in a heartbeat, despite what she's doing to me right now. Does anybody have any words of advice for me?

Fleaman · July 11, 2008

Obviously you are the better man, If you are trying to make it work, don't let it drag on for long. After, I would suggest you move on and get rid of her as she will play both of you for all you got.

Thats my 2 cents.

I hope it works out for you.

carverchick · July 11, 2008

Justin,

I'm so sorry to hear about this, but there are other fish in the sea. You shouldn't play second fiddle to some other guy that your girlfriend is interested in. If she thinks she is falling for this other guy, then let her go. If you set something free and if it comes back it was meant to be. Otherwise you know it wasn't.

She can't have the best of both worlds, you know. You deserve someone who will give you their complete attention, not half or even a quarter. Move on sweetheart, you're better than that.

queequeg · July 11, 2008

Wow, that really sucks Justin. I'm really sorry to hear that - really sounds like no fun at all. My advice is probably not what you are going to want to hear:

Run, don't walk.

Sounds like she doesn't really know what she wants out of life: accepts a marriage proposal and then immediately dumps you for another guy, yet still wants to keep you around. That also sounds pretty selfish to me. I would be asking myself if I really want to spend the rest of my life with someone who would do this to me? It may just be that she is freaking out about the decision to spend her life with someone else, but even so - this would be a very cruel and insensitive way to deal with that to say the least. I wouldn't want to get in the habit of letting someone do this to me, and then accepting them back into my life.

It would be one thing if she suddenly didn't want to be married. It is yet another thing for her to derail the direction you two had chosen together so suddenly for another man, and yet another to still want to have and keep you in her life despite having done this to you. Seven years or no - this shows a total lack of interest in your well being.

My advice would be to "run, don't walk" away from her, and if she does come calling back at some point I would be very cautious about accepting her back into your life. If she ever does come back, I think it would be very important for her to know that she will not get away with this again, and that it will take a lot of effort to regain your trust.

Oh yeah - don't forget to leave a bag of flaming poo on that other guy's doorstep and send a couple of hookers over to his place on christmas eve and valentines day for a few years.

willywhit · July 11, 2008

justin,

interesting timeline between getting her commit to marriage and her having second thoughts. Maybe just back off on the "rest of our lives" stuff. You're pretty young, aren't ya ? No big hurry gettin' hitched.Sometimes you have spend enough time apart to determine if you're really that connected to that special someone that you feel you "can't live without".

it's tough love but maybe she needs to figger out that you're her "one and only", or not.

People can be super sweet and nice for a few months, even up until getting married and then they slowly turn into someone less than the person you fell in love with.

I've seen it many times over the years.

7 years is enough time to know if you wanna continue the relationship. I've been married for 7 years and it's not always been a bed of roses but we always manage to work it out because we really truely enjoy each other, for better or worse.

Good Luck, kid.;)

edit:

this got thinking cuz this old CR was on the other night and there's so much truth in it,plus it's funny as hell. The language is saucy ( hey, it's chris rock) so prob nsfw with the volume up, be forewarned.

I gotta say again, don't write it off just yet. Guys get cold feet when the shackles of marriage get close.why can't women have the same feelings ? It IS somewhat scarey, "the rest of our lives together". Too many people just throw in the towel when it seems unresolvable.I would've gotten divorced several times already.

I mean, is she sleeping with this other guy ? Is she just exploring what it would be like with someone else ? You've probably been together since high school, right ? You've both got a whole lot of exploring to do in the world before settling down and starting a family. Wait until you're 30, at least, before getting married, just my humble opinion.

anyway, maybe I can find some better comedy that's relavant. It's taken me many years to figger out how to keep my wife and I balanced and still get to go snowboarding and kiting without her getting pissed.

again, some saucy language here

Jack M · July 11, 2008

Sever all ties with her and never look back. I've been there. People don't change. If you did get her to come back, and god forbid marry you, this would be the story of your life. Over and over.

dingbat · July 11, 2008

Get the ring back......Now!

willywhit · July 11, 2008

jack, fin.....CR too saucy ? I'll take it down if ya want.

justin, wait it out.

in the mein time, take her to a few relavant movies.

maybe track down the clown potentially putting ideas in her head and have a little man to man chat with him, without her present. Been there , done that. very effective

dingbat · July 11, 2008

Sever all ties with her and never look back. I've been there. People don't change. If you did get her to come back, and god forbid marry you, this would be the story of your life. Over and over.

Justin,

Listen to Jack. He is 100% correct.

Transistor Rhythm · July 11, 2008

Time to move on.

And forget about the open relation stuff. Women that agree to that are way better playing that game than you are.

willywhit · July 11, 2008

Justin,
Listen to Jack. He is 100% correct.

dingbat,

only guys(and carver chick ) married more than 5 years are allowed to weigh in here.

until you've seen real combat, stay in the trenches

justin, just re read your editted post. sounds bad. without knowing her, it's hard to just make arm chair quaterback judgement calls. Follow your heart and that little voice inside, you prob deserve better.might be a blessing in disguise. there's alot of worthless tramps out there, very few quality women.

again,never met either you.hard to say

Hope to hear it turned out for best in six months, up north, on a chairlift, with Coilers hangin' off our front feet.

Jack M · July 11, 2008

dingbat,
only guys(and carver chick ) married more than 5 years are allowed to weigh in here.

10 years in August. The doctor is in.

willywhit · July 11, 2008

10 years in August. The doctor is in.

are we talking 10 years of smooth sailing ? weathered any big storms ?

Ozzie and Harriet ?

You do seem to have the norman rockwell family goin' on.

"sometimes it ain't that easy" :rolleyes:

durace · July 11, 2008

Do I have the right to an opinion?

RUN!

Don't make the mistakes of my generation and get married have a kid because that make the love real. Suffer for 5 years and then leave the kid with a weekend father.

No willie I'm not talking as damaged goods just seen to many friends go through it in the past 26 years since my friends started getting married then divorced.

If she referred to her self (while speaking to a 12 year old) as someone else's F#$K buddie it is time to throw out the trash!

Good luck man,

Paul

willywhit · July 11, 2008

If she referred to her self (while speaking to a 12 year old) as someone else's F#$K buddie it is time to throw out the trash!

[/i]

zackly, that would be my first clue that she ain't worthy of marrying.

justin, wanna come down to boston and meet some hawt brasilians ?

You DO seem like a sweet guy and a strappin' young country boy like yourself with a bada$$ jeep might just get his sox rawked. and no, I ain't talkin' about no baseball game but I bet ya get way past 1st base with the proper skillz.

catfish blues

Allee · July 11, 2008

Justin, I'm so sorry. This sucks. From a girls point of view ... you're being played. She's still trying to sort out what she wants, and you're being dangled on a string while she sorts it out. Not cool.

You might have been together for 7 years, but people change a lot in that time, especially at your age. She's not ready to settle down. Take that hint loud and clear. If that's the way you're leaning, then you need to find someone else. If that's not your priority, then keep her around, but expect to be kicked in the teeth a lot.

There's a reason why I don't talk to any of my exes. I don't do baggage. It's a good way to live.

(((Hugs)))

Justin A. · July 11, 2008

For those that think that she's with this other guy and it's all puppies and rainbows with them, it's not. This is killing her as much as it's killing me, which is part of what's making it so hard on me, because for better or worse, all I want is for her to be happy. If she flat left me for him and was thrilled about it, then it would be one thing, but she's not, it's beating her up too, and she just can't stop apologizing about what's happening. The fact is, she told me flat-out that she wants to keep all our plans - open the bakery...all that stuff...which tells me that she still wants to be with me, and she just needs some time to figure out what that means. We're the only people that each other have really dated, so meeting someone else that makes her feel tingly inside could sure as hell be confusing...I actually left her a few years ago for a girl that did that to me, and came back a week and a half later knowing that I had made a huge mistake. I'm thinking that all the plans that we have for this week might make her realize the same thing. I hope. I'm trying to be nothing but good to her (I'm trying like hell to get her back) and I hope that things turn around. It took me a week and a few dates to realize what I had done was stupid, it might take her the same amount of time, maybe longer, but I think that she'll ultimately realize it.

Justin A. · July 11, 2008

If she referred to her self (while speaking to a 12 year old) as someone else's F#$K buddie it is time to throw out the trash!

Excuse me? The twelve year old asked them if that's what they were. You assume she's trashy because of our open relationship and because she answered a kid's question honestly. Not cool man.

SEJ · July 11, 2008

Bummer Dude, I've been there. Move on, cut your losses. As long as you try to win her back she's just going to think of you as weak and easy. Move forward with your life, then she might realize what she's losing. Right now she's not losing anything.

Steve Prokopiw · July 11, 2008

You asked for advice,presumably with the knowledge that many here may have had the life experience necessary to formulate an educated opinion.My advice;It's too easy to settle for less for years and years just because the devil you know is easier to deal with than the devil you don't know(just a saying ,not referring to her as a devil) Get out... now,before you have wasted much of your adult life being afraid to move on.

Dr D · July 11, 2008

I had the exact opposite happen to me. My wife was on her way to dump me when I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I did not find this out until years later. It came up during a fight. WE are still together but its been an uphill battle all the way.

I would have to say ignore the little voice in your head completely. Its totally incapable of coherent objective thought at the moment. I guarantee that even if everything works out between you it will be a daily battle the rest of your life.

marriage isn't a 50/50 deal its a 100/100 deal. she's not even pulling 50%

RUN and live to fight another day:biggthump

Justin A. · July 11, 2008

Bummer Dude, I've been there. Move on, cut your losses. As long as you try to win her back she's just going to think of you as weak and easy. Move forward with your life, then she might realize what she's losing. Right now she's not losing anything.

I'm calculating this whole thing fairly well...an unexpected thing came up for tomorrow night, so we're not going clubbing anymore, but the whale watch is still on. I'm going to get her monday night (LATE - showing how much I care), then we have the whale watch on tuesday afternoon, and then I'm going to try to bring her to a movie (we both want to see Wall-E), then I'm torn on what to do. My original plan was to move the stars for her (from an episode of futurama) into a love note asking her to come back, but now I'm kind of having second thoughts about that. I'll know what to do on tuesday night.

Justin A. · July 11, 2008

I would have to say ignore the little voice in your head completely. Its totally incapable of coherent objective thought at the moment. I guarantee that even if everything works out between you it will be a daily battle the rest of your life.

But it won't be a battle...like I said before, I left HER once before, and promptly regretted it, and that was 3 years ago and we've been living together ever since and it certainly hasn't been a daily battle. I think she just needs to regret this so we can move along together and be stronger because of it.

dingbat · July 11, 2008

dingbat,
only guys(and carver chick ) married more than 5 years are allowed to weigh in here.

until you've seen real combat, stay in the trenches

Mr Whit,

You have me confused with someone else. I have been married 9 years, 9 months, and 7 days, but who's counting.:rolleyes: I have been with the woman, who is now my wife, since 7 years prior to our marriage, and "staying in the trenches" is exactly how I've managed this. :biggthump

bobdea · July 11, 2008

Excuse me? The twelve year old asked them if that's what they were. You assume she's trashy because of our open relationship and because she answered a kid's question honestly. Not cool man.

Justin, the people that post here often tend to show their "values" and don't understand the difference between people that have sex, like sex and do it with multiple people in a respectable manner from a hooker. Better to be open and honest than have a affair IMHO. The truth is about half of the couples do it but don't admit it to their partner "Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)"

open relationships are fun and often a bitch too. I'd suggest making everything clear with what you want and if she needs to take some time off let her(if you can deal) but stay in touch. Sometimes that's all it takes for people.

Either way, if she takes time off and stays away or if she wants you back it will probably be easier on the both of you than the classic way people handle relationships.

If sex is a issue and she wants to keep more than one partner you can always swing if you both have the head for that type of thing.

If neither of you have dated a ton of people I'd say that this is fairly normal to go through something like this and in the long run if you both explore a little you'll both either find each other more appealing or someone else.

the above does not make it any easier but it's the best I can give you.

No, not married either but my relationships have been much better since I've learned to communicate and gotten my partners to do so as well.

You know that lesbian couples tend to be the happiest? Maybe we should all hang with our queer friends and observe for awhile. Some of the best relationship tidbits I've gotten have come a girl who descibes herself as a "bike dyke"

Dumped.

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