Dumped.

[RDY_2_Carve]

8+ years married here. Got the kids to go along with it! ;)

Curb her ass with the quickness. Easier said than done I know, but it needs to be done.

Make sure you tactfully get that rock back too before it ends up in a pawn shop....and anything else that cost you more than $100. The reality will slap her in the face when you start taking all that stuff back from her. Don't ask for it back either-Go get it back.

The fact that she's f'ing other guys would be enough for me to bail despite the open relationship agreement. It only takes having sex with the wrong guy and you got some crazy funk going on down there. I like unprotected oral sex too much to be sharing with other people...both giving and receiving for you note takers. Unless it's some crazy three way action then maybe I'd let it slide. :D

Still trying to convince my wife on that last part...

Jack you better not delete my post! ;)

[Justin A.]

Bob, I think that's actually the best thing I've heard from anyone so far.

[willywhit]

Mr Whit,

You have me confused with someone else. I have been married 9 years, 9 months, and 7 days, but who's counting.:rolleyes: I have been with the woman, who is now my wife, since 7 years prior to our marriage, and "staying in the trenches" is exactly how I've managed this.

my bad, for some reason I thought you were Pebu.:lol: seriously.my bad.

bobdea may be on to something...time to SWANG !

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[Rob Stevens]

You should tell her not to contact you until she's knows what she's doing. I would also tell her that no matter what she decides, when she comes back, you might not be into it anymore.

You probably won't do that, though, because your lack of experience makes you weak. You need to take control of this situation and I don't mean writing her poems.

Open relationship? There are very few people in this world who can pull that off. The ones who can are somewhat sociopathic and the ones who can't are normal.

You're saying to yourself "What does he mean "I'm weak?" I know you'll take offence because you have reacted poorly to other comments that were bang on.

Man up.

If you send her and she doesn't come back, you can consider yourself to have dodged a bullet.

[Rob Stevens]

I will also make a distinction between "swinging" and being in an "open relationship".

The former (when done by people who can handle it) implies something that has no emotional mechanisms working. You go to a party, get laid and go home.

The latter may involve intimacy outside of sex. If she is being intimate on that level with another man, she is saving nothing for you and that makes a mockery of your involvement with her.

Bob is a special case. Swinging requires a level of detachment most do not have. I would judge by your sensitivity that you would have trouble here.

Find someone who is happy with just you. After all, the thought of her with another guy is eating you up, right?

[Justin A.]

I will also make a distinction between "swinging" and being in an "open relationship".

The former (when done by people who can handle it) implies something that has no emotional mechanisms working. You go to a party, get laid and go home.

The latter may involve intimacy outside of sex. If she is being intimate on that level with another man, she is saving nothing for you and that makes a mockery of your involvement with her.

Bob is a special case. Swinging requires a level of detachment most do not have. I would judge by your sensitivity that you would have trouble here.

Find someone who is happy with just you. After all, the thought of her with another guy is eating you up, right?

It started out as swinging...I knew all about it, and we had a threesome actually...and it was just get laid, hang out for a bit, and go home. Then I think that he started to get attached, and that's when things started to turn. That's when she told him that she wanted to start breaking it off with him, and when the next night he had sex with her twice anyway. I blame him for not respecting her wishes and not having the self control to do so.

And I was fine with her being with another guy until she started falling for him. What we have together is FAR deeper than sex, it was when that something deeper started developing between them that I started getting jealous, and being too much of a pussy to voice it to her. The thought of her being in love with another guy is what's eating me up, they can have all the sex that they want. I just wish it wasn't making love.

[willywhit]

You should tell her not to contact you until she's knows what she's doing. I would also tell her that no matter what she decides, when she comes back, you might not be into it anymore.

You probably won't do that, though, because your lack of experience makes you weak. You need to take control of this situation and I don't mean writing her poems.

Open relationship? There are very few people in this world who can pull that off. The ones who can are somewhat sociopathic and the ones who can't are normal.

You're saying to yourself "What does he mean "I'm weak?" I know you'll take offence because you have reacted poorly to other comments that were bang on.

Man up.

If you send her and she doesn't come back, you can consider yourself to have dodged a bullet.

ROB NAILED IT !

It's called the Take Away Close and it takes a good poker face to pull it off.

http://www.landingthedeal.com/2006/08/the_takeaway_close.html

[willywhit]

Dr Jack ! Paging Doctor Jack Michaud ! You're needed immediately in the psychology ward ! Paging Dr Jack !

[Rob Stevens]

You can do it, Justin.

It will hurt for awhile, but the boost to your self esteem will be make it worthwhile and will pay off in your next relationship.

Life is a bit like real estate here (props to Willys Glengarry, Glenross nod)... You have to recognize when an agreement cannot be reached. Even if one side is completely satified, it does require a meeting of minds to happily move forward.

[Dr D]

Bobdea may be better suited to advise you on the wildside of sexual relationships, but Myself and obviously several others have noted something in your posts that screams "I hate this" The older you get the more you will discover who you are and all this will get easier . For now, I don't see how you can walk away from this experience without some pain. Take it as lesson learned and move on. She's not abiding by standard or nonstandard relationship rules and she's not likely to start just because you love her enough.

Contrary to popular opinion there is no soulmate waiting for you. there are an infinite number of them and it is possible to love more than one at the same time. She probably loves you both or at least thinks she does but bottom line she's in it for her and you lose either way.

[bobdea]

I will also make a distinction between "swinging" and being in an "open relationship".

The former (when done by people who can handle it) implies something that has no emotional mechanisms working. You go to a party, get laid and go home.

The latter may involve intimacy outside of sex. If she is being intimate on that level with another man, she is saving nothing for you and that makes a mockery of your involvement with her.

Bob is a special case. Swinging requires a level of detachment most do not have. I would judge by your sensitivity that you would have trouble here.

Find someone who is happy with just you. After all, the thought of her with another guy is eating you up, right?

It's not that I'm detached it's that I can separate out the ****. Finding a partner that can do the same is next to impossible so you have to find each other's limits and be happy with it or move on.

Open relationships are harder IMHO unless none of them are that serious, including the one with your primary partner. I would not go so far as to call all the people who do the polyamory thing sociopaths but some certainly are

[Aisling]

hmm... yeah i've never gotten the whole 'open' thing but i know people who do. some are successful, some are very NOT so successful. since she finds herself having feelings for this guy, i'd do what the other guys have mentioned... NOT try to "win" her back. Don't go out of your way.... how can she miss you when you're right there at her beck and call?

if after time away she really does miss you she will come back on her own accord. and if that's what you still want if it happens, then so be it.

i'm not saying you can't occasionally talk... go ahead... but don't jump when she says jump... don't offer to do all these extra special things... it will make you seem desperate. i don't know either of you, but its just what i think would work to your advantage if what you want is her to miss what you guys have... you need to take it away.

good luck whatever you choose.

[Justin A.]

I know for a fact that she's just confused. I'm going to show her the time of her life on tuesday, and that's that. She's been my best friend through everything I've gone through for the last seven years, and try as I might, I can't just walk away from that. It doesn't even make sense to do that. If nothing else, I need to learn to turn spousal love into friendship love.

[RDY_2_Carve]

I know for a fact that she's just confused. I'm going to show her the time of her life on tuesday, and that's that. She's been my best friend through everything I've gone through for the last seven years, and try as I might, I can't just walk away from that. It doesn't even make sense to do that. If nothing else, I need to learn to turn spousal love into friendship love.

Shower her with love and she'll take it for granted.

Take it all away from her and she'll appreciate it more and turn a start singing a different song.

[Justin A.]

Shower her with love and she'll take it for granted.

Take it all away from her and she'll appreciate it more and turn a start singing a different song.

I normally call her a few times a night. I might call her tonight, and likely won't speak to her except on IM until monday to confirm plans. Even on IM, I'm not initiating the conversations, she'll come on and I'll say hey look - Rikki's on. Sometimes she says something, sometimes she doesn't. At this point, I'm trying to take it away so she realizes that it's lost. It's tough though, especially when she starts complaining about this clown...I feel compelled to offer consolation and tell her that it's going to be ok, but I know that I shouldn't. Hell, half the time I just want to say "see, he's not right for you". The fact that he's getting on her nerves and frustrating her already (two days) bodes well for me though. I've also got the Ullr Card (Ullr's our dog) to play as often as I like, and I have our cats hostage as well. A few days of having to deal with nobody but him for consolation and comforting will sure make me look pretty good.

We were talking earlier and she hasn't taken me off her phone's Emergency Contact, and she said she really has no intention of it "because I know her best". It came up because I just got a new phone today and had my numbers transferred over, which happened to include my ICE being her. I asked if it was ok, because I feel the same way that she does in that department. Despite it all, if anything happens to me, she's the one I want at my hospital bed, and she told me the same...I can't wait to get back together.

She's told me quite a few times that "I need to learn to be happy without her"...I think that this is part of that.

Thanks C5...

[C5 Golfer]

I know for a fact that she's just confused. I'm going to show her the time of her life on tuesday, and that's that. She's been my best friend through everything I've gone through for the last seven years, and try as I might, I can't just walk away from that. It doesn't even make sense to do that. If nothing else, I need to learn to turn spousal love into friendship love.

Hey Justin.. haven't met you -- but we have many talks about all kinds of crap in the past and you are a good guy.. well S&it most of the time - :lol:

I believe you will make the right choice and my bet is 6 months from now you will have a smile on your face knowing the outcome is the best it could be - so hang in there Bud and let your heart and gut do the talking and deciding. I wish you the best my friend. :biggthump

[carverchick]

but… Justin you kind of brought this on yourself when both you and your girlfriend decided to bring other people into your bedroom. Inherently, you should know that when you bring other people into a relationship, something to this extent is bound to happen. I mean yes you want to add spice to your relationship, however there are other ways of doing that, that doesn’t include another male or female.

I think that the best thing for you to do is to lick your wounds and call it a day. If you think that by trying to win her back is going to make things better, think again my friend. If it happened once, who is to say that it won't happen again.

Just remember "A Tiger NEVER loses its stripes"!

I don't know you personally and my comments are an attempt to make you realize you deserve better than what you're getting. I'm in no means trying to attack your character or your actions, but by airing your "dirty laundry" on BOL, you must suck it up and deal with everyones comments.

I hope this helps you heal kiddo, stay strong.

[Justin A.]

I'm in no means trying to attack your character or your actions, but by airing your "dirty laundry" on BOL, you must suck it up and deal with everyones comments.

I'd say that I am dealing with everyone's comments...I'm not holding any grudges here...it's the internet...I put myself and my problem out there and asked for advice and I'm getting it - ranging from what I want to hear, what I don't want to hear, and what I need to hear. Don't think that I'm taking anyone's comments poorly (except when Durace said that it was time to take out the trash...no matter what happens, she's still my friend and nobody gets to insult her character), if it comes off that way, I don't mean it to, my emotions are just a bit close to the surface right now...that goes for all of them, even the ones that I don't like.

[BlueB]

Life is a movie. You are the actor and the director at the same time. Just don't forget to be a spectator, too. Once you've got that perspective, everything stops looking dead serious. Do whatever you feel like and enjoy the show.

[LeeW]

I'm with Jack on this one. I know this too well, meself.

This is not for me to impose it on you, but this is solely my opinion. open relationship is usually not a very practical approach. i speak from experience, and it wasn't exactly lovely at the end (we broke off our engagement -- now that i look back, im like "thank god!").

[Justin A.]

We've both decided that when and if we get back together it's going to be an exclusive relationship, because this open thing IS indeed nonsense. It worked out fine until her swinging partner got attached and ruined it all for everyone.

Beyond that, I'm moving along with my life. If she come's back, great. If she doesn't, not so great, but I'll live. I've got a nice big emotional scar to show for it, but I can get some of that scar-b-gon **** I see on TV.

[eastcoasticerider]

Congratulations.....you are about to enroll in the Relational Course of your Life.Its really important how you proceed from here. Do you react out of a wounded , bitter place. Treat the whole thing as a humorous bump in the road? Or really learn from Life how the Human Heart is Wired..! Be very very careful how you choose to proceed..If you choose to proceed from an unresolved wounding relationship , you may carry baggage that colors your perception of your next attempt to form a healthy integration with another person. Thats why 65% of divorced people wind up getting another divorce....the original wound never got healed properly. If you bitterly keep a critical spirit about the one who hurt you ,its like taking poison and saying to the other person"now die!" you only are hurting yourself..and all other relationships you try to build.

There are safeguards and guidelines to how the Universe and the Heart are Wired.Unfortunately we rarely attempt to learn and try them till we hit the wall

at mid-life crisis or something else forces us to reevaluate our approach.

If you're interested email me your address and Ill send you a great series of cd's from a local pastor who I was fortunately open to after many years of going around in painful and self destructive circles

[Jim]

Hey Justin,

I have watched several open relationships through the years. Not one made it after the relationship was open and closed. Email me if you would like to read some real-life open/swinger relationship trainwrecks. Two of them resulted in murder/suicide. Yup, I would start with my first wife.

[photodad2001]

Sometimes we want the things that are not good for us. (fatty foods, alcohol, cigarettes, a type of girl) This sounds like one of those things. Get out now while things are off. You'll regret it if you try to make something work that shouldn't. I was where you are now (but our relationship wasn't open, at least on my end) and I forced it to work at least temporarily. I married her and had a kid with her. Now I'm divorced and was put through a 5 year custody battle (and it still may not be done yet). She still bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend, address to address, only now dragging my daughter along with her. I made a bad choice, not just for a wife, but mother of my child as well. I'm tellin' ya, you're better off finding someone else.

[paragonUE]

gentlemans duel