C5 Golfer Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Would like some opinions here. The Story, as I understand it from my friend, is this: My guy friend is a hunter and keeps his firearms carefully hidden and very safe in his house. You’d never know he was a hunter if you were having dinner in his house. He and his girlfriend have been together for about 9 months or so and very happy from what I saw. I think his girlfriend does not care if he hunts – least she has told me that awhile ago. Recently they started to have talks about living together. Dunno what all was said or discussed except for what he told me about her demand that his guns have to leave the house. Either sell them or give them to someone to store them for him, basically she will not live in a house where there is a gun. After a couple of days he decides the rule of hers is a bit too controlling and wonders what else of his would be next to go or restricted if they live together. So, he says no to her demand and they break up. First off, I do not know why it took so long for this to come up – not privy to all info here. My question is this, since I see both sides and like both of them.... is anyone right or wrong here or is it just a pairing not meant to be because of differences and each side is equally right in pursuing his or her desires. Whatchaallthink? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Gendzwill Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sounds like a not meant to be thing to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kieran Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 she's a fixer-upperer, and he isn't broken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lowrider Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sounds like half a story. Can't comment with the info available but seems like someone has a fear of the power a gun represents or how they might be used and sees them as a potential personal threat. There is a limit to the potential danger some people will tolerate either reasonable or otherwise. While his impression of the condition is considered too controlling I would suggest her perceived (either justified or not) danger or threat of the presence of guns in their relationship is a sign that she may feel equally controlled. As humans we react to threats differently especially if you are (or had previously been ) in a submissive or domineering relationship. Too bad a relationship was lost without investing a little more discussion (counseling). No winner here in my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C5 Golfer Posted March 19, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Sounds like half a story. Can't comment with the info available but seems like someone has a fear of the power a gun represents or how they might be used and sees them as a potential personal threat. There is a limit to the potential danger some people will tolerate either reasonable or otherwise. While his impression of the condition is considered too controlling I would suggest her perceived (either justified or not) danger or threat of the presence of guns in their relationship is a sign that she may feel equally controlled. As humans we react to threats differently especially if you are (or had previously been ) in a submissive or domineering relationship. Too bad a relationship was lost without investing a little more discussion (counseling). No winner here in my opinion. good comments Lowrider.. my understanding it is not from a past relationship of hers where the fear is of guns.. it is she has never been around them in her life and it is purely a safety issue for her. What one does not understand - one fears is how I would put her fear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neil Gendzwill Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 good comments Lowrider.. my understanding it is not from a past relationship of hers where the fear is of guns.. it is she has never been around them in her life and it is purely a safety issue for her. What one does not understand - one fears is how I would put her fear.It is possible that they simply disagree on this matter rather than it be about misunderstanding/fear. My wife grew up on the farm and she still doesn't want guns in the house. There are people that simply do not like guns. If he feels that strongly about guns that he is willing to drop the relationship, then that may well be that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
www.oldsnowboards.com Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) As with most relationship situations, there is no right or wrong, only what is appropriate for the couple. That said. She has every right , so does he. She has the right to NOT want to be around deadly force, he has a right to own and operate firearms. Personally? She might change her mind if someone willing to do them harm enters the home. This must be measured against firearm dangers. Typically , if I am in situation where the guns come out. I leave if I am not the one holding the weapon. Being shot or shot at is not a good thing. Grew up with guns, I was taught gun safety, I respect others feelings on guns. However, the option to own, carry a firearm is not on the table for discussion in my home. PS. Gun safe! Me? Say thank you very much and I wish you well. Edited March 19, 2014 by www.oldsnowboards.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobD Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 good comments Lowrider.. my understanding it is not from a past relationship of hers where the fear is of guns.. it is she has never been around them in her life and it is purely a safety issue for her. What one does not understand - one fears is how I would put her fear. From the NYT piece linked below. The cost-benefit balance of having a gun in the home is especially negative for women, according to a 2011 review by David Hemenway, director of the Harvard Injury Control Research Center. Far from making women safer, a gun in the home is �a particularly strong risk factor� for female homicides and the intimidation of women.In domestic violence situations, the risk of homicide for women increased eightfold when the abuser had access to firearms, according to a study published in The American Journal of Public Health in 2003. Further, there was �no clear evidence� that victims� access to a gun reduced their risk of being killed. Another 2003 study, by Douglas Wiebe of the University of Pennsylvania, found that females living with a gun in the home were 2.7 times more likely to be murdered than females with no gun at home. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/03/opinion/sunday/dangerous-gun-myths.html?_r=0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
www.oldsnowboards.com Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 Deleted even before I posted the reply. To be short. Win-win :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kieran Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 If he feels that strongly about guns that he is willing to drop the relationship, then that may well be that.perhaps he feels strongly about someone daring to tell him what he can and cannot have in his house. personally, whenever presented with an "its me or the X" ultimatum, i always choose X. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yooperluke Posted March 19, 2014 Report Share Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) perhaps he feels strongly about someone daring to tell him what he can and cannot have in his house. personally, whenever presented with an "its me or the X" ultimatum, i always choose X. Perfect answer!..... I yam what I yam! Edited March 19, 2014 by yooperboy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tabatha Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 I think that both parties are right and it was a no-win situation. If she is not comfortable with guns, then she should not have to be around them (I would hope that her mind didn't go straight to domestic violence - there are lots of reasons why someone would not want to be in a house with fire arms) and as a gun owner who is an avid hunter, he has a right to own and store guns. What I think is sad about the situation is that this didn't come up until they were ready to move in. Obviously, they both have strong feelings on the situation, and I would hope that important topics are discussed early in a relationship. I agree with Kieran, we shouldn't have to face ultimatums, it suggests someone doesn't respect who we are or understand what it is that makes us tick. I hope to know a relationship is heading south long before someone ever offers me an ultimatum ... but I think I too would choose X. Not doing so would mean I was not being true to myself. This isn't a "control" issue - this is a respect issue (at least for me). The only win here was that both parties knew themselves well enough to not sacrifice their personal beliefs. It was probably a hard decision and one that many people choose not to make. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Dahl Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 Hmm...he did the right thing. A fear of an inanimate object of any sort suggests that there is another issue hidden under the visible. My $.02 if you will, hoplophobia may just be a fear of the unknown? Just kinda shows itself here because it is a convenient socially correct place for it. It takes time and understanding to work this one out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobD Posted March 21, 2014 Report Share Posted March 21, 2014 Hmm...he did the right thing. A fear of an inanimate object of any sort suggests that there is another issue hidden under the visible. My $.02 if you will, hoplophobia may just be a fear of the unknown? Just kinda shows itself here because it is a convenient socially correct place for it. It takes time and understanding to work this one out. Fear of being less safe with a firearm in the house is just a response to reality, not hoplophobia. That reality is why the NRA successfully lobbied Congress to stop CDC studying statistics on firearm deaths, and injuries. We all know skiing and snowboarding involve inherent risks. What would you think if the ski industry lobbied congress to stop studies on those risk, because they didn't want people to make informed choices? Of course, there's a huge difference in that having a partner who snowboards, doesn't increase the likelihood of other family members dying. Maybe she is just informed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glenn Posted March 22, 2014 Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) Fear of being less safe with a firearm in the house is just a response to reality, not hoplophobia. That reality is why the NRA successfully lobbied Congress to stop CDC studying statistics on firearm deaths, and injuries. We all know skiing and snowboarding involve inherent risks. What would you think if the ski industry lobbied congress to stop studies on those risk, because they didn't want people to make informed choices? Of course, there's a huge difference in that having a partner who snowboards, doesn't increase the likelihood of other family members dying. Maybe she is just informed. Lot more to the reluctance to study...This opens an entire can of worms in regard to privacy and second amendment issues. Whenever gov't is involved in "studies", there is a danger of the solution looking for a problem syndrome. Not saying there aren't risks involved in firearms ownership but for CDC to study (invade privacy) an issue that is easily assessed via FBI Uniform Crime Statistics tables is somewhat disingenuous and points to an agenda. That was the issue NRA was highlighting... As for the relationship issue. My take is that the girl was unfamiliar with firearms and when the prospect of living in close proximity actually was soon to become reality, she actually started thinking in a serious way about it. She was uncomfortable enough to question the relationship for whatever reason...Her choice...As others have said, when faced with ultimatums, I'll usually take X... Edited March 22, 2014 by glenn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
davekempmeister Posted March 22, 2014 Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 maybe she purposely picked a battle that she knew she wouldn't "win". i.e., maybe she (consciously or subconsciously) doesn't want to move in. the guns are a distraction or a red herring, so to speak. she may have selected an issue that she knew was a non-starter so that the discussion would immediately come to an impasse and the real issue (living together) would never really even be broached. not that i've ever experienced anything like what i'm theorizing :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobD Posted March 22, 2014 Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) Privacy... CDC study everything that affects health, including what you do in the bedroom, what you do in your car, what you eat, what you drink, and the drugs you choose to take. To say guns are any different, really does point to an agenda. The real issue was that CDC has the respect, and ear of the American people. The NRA didn't like the message, so shot the messenger. It's much easier to dismiss the many studies by Universities, than to argue with a credible source like CDC. Not so many people would actually believe they are safer with a gun in the house, if CDC were able to report the facts. There could be many reasons that the guns were the real issue. She may only recently have come across an article like the NYT linked above. She may have felt suicidal at some point, and moving in would make a suicide attempt more likely. Who knows, but being dismissive about the risk to life from guns in the home, especially for a woman, could be the best reason of all. Edited March 22, 2014 by BobD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
two_ravens Posted March 22, 2014 Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 In his book "The Gift of Fear" Gavin deBecker characterizes relationships between men & women this way: Men hope women won't laugh at them. Women hope men won't kill them. Many good points raised here - but I think we are missing too much information to come to any real conclusions. Does appear that the relationship was doomed though. An ultimatum for him to give up something that is clearly a large part of his life isn't exactly a good start........ I personally would not want to be in a home without firearms because I own several. On two ocassions (one a break-in at home, the other an attack while I was sleeping in my car) the fact that I had a firearm in my hand was the reason the situations turned in my favor. But clearly I am wired differently from this gal.... Wonder how the study numbers would come out if they identified and separated the data for the women who were the gun owners. You would still get suicides, but I'm guessing murders would be lower - could be wrong though....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C5 Golfer Posted March 22, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2014 A lot of good points and discussion here. Thanks. It seems many households these days.. the man is in charge at work but once home he is given the "honey do" list and his schedule for the weekend is set. Just ask my golfing friends who'd like to play but so often say " I won't be able to join you!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leeho730 Posted March 24, 2014 Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 Well i have firearms and if my gf wants them out i'd store them in other places... BobD is absolutely right firearms are much more likely to be used in domestic violence than in self-defence. Maybe she has anxiety towards firearms... And anxiety is almost impossible to beat. And my lecturer used to say never argue with women! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C5 Golfer Posted March 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 24, 2014 Well i have firearms and if my gf wants them out i'd store them in other places... BobD is absolutely right firearms are much more likely to be used in domestic violence than in self-defence. Maybe she has anxiety towards firearms... And anxiety is almost impossible to beat.Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Dont beleive it is a domestic violence reason. More accidental possibilies with her. Keep in mind on Rifle deaths in USA there were about 330 in 2010, with hammers that same year 1500. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Algunderfoot Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 While relationships don't require shared interests to be successful, and interests are always changing with dynamic people, values do not change and need to be shared. While I have a very strong opinion on this situation it's not part of answering the basic question. This situation could just as easily be a matter of faith, culture or lifestyle, obviously not meant to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carvingchef Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 ...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corey Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 carvingchef - LOL! That's awesome. Ultimatums are dirty business, no matter who they come from. There's a lot of teamwork and compromise in any successful relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Ong Posted March 25, 2014 Report Share Posted March 25, 2014 And what exactly is useful with the center for DISEASE control study on the dangers of snowboarding ? Tell me something i don't know .... Btw a few years back cdc determined that snowboarding was the most dangerous outdoor activity . Feel better anyone ? Maybe we should ban snowboarding for the public good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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