A friend posted this on the motorcycle mailing list we're both on, which I occasionally read. I'm not necessarily endorsing it, but I just find it amusing, and I like throwing gas on fires, so here it is....
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Since I'm back in the singles game and hanging out with all the other single guys, we've been chatting about my "rules" and I've been asked to codify them and send them to a few people. This may amuse you, it may help you, it might even piss you off. But I figured it might help since there's plenty of single guys on the list
This is not a method of extracting yourself from a bad situation as much as it is a method for *avoiding* one in the first place. These are signs you can generally pick up on the first date or by asking one of their friends. Especially if someone is trying to set you up on a blind date. Each person has to set their threshold, but, I generally believe in "3 strikes and you're out". If the person seems *extremely* nice and has very good recommendations, I will go so far as to forgive three strikes, but 4 is absolutely the hard-fast limit. It has to be.
1. Multiple strike rule - 1 strike for each child at home. Kids are great, but each one is an additional complication, then there are father(s) with which to deal, the mother always puts them first, etc, etc. And women with kids often are more difficult to get to know. Of course, if *you* have kids, each one of your kids erases one strike from the woman. There is one unique kid rule. If the woman has *only* a boy, that's a double strike. Most women who have only one boy have a very unique and troubling "pseudo boyfriend" relationship with an only boy. They often feel guilty from taking the child from his male role model and therefore elevate the child to "man of the house" status which is not where a child should be. So don't be surprised to find irrational jealousy from *both* son and mother in such a situation. It can be a lot weirder than you think. Some would say it should be three strikes. They may have a point. Okay, maybe not an automatic second strike, but it *is* something for which to be on the look out and if you see it, add a strike (or two).
2. Multiple strike rule - 1 strike for each cat. Cat people are, well, different. If you aren't a cat person, you'll get this rule. If you *are* a cat person, this pay no attention to this rule. 1 Cat = overly girly. 2 Cats = eccentric. 3 Cats = run, run like hell! If you're a cat guy, seek cat women. Or professional help, especially if you have 3 or more cats. It's normal to have a dog. Not normal to have cats. Unless you have a serious mouse problem. Even so, if you've gotten accustomed to the smell of cat piss, you've got issues.
3. Smoking - Offsetting rule - If you're a smoker and she's not, that's a strike for you. If she's a smoker and you're not, that's a strike for her. If you both smoke or neither smoke, unity gain. Smoking ages people. Think she looks hot at 25 or 30? Just wait. It will catch up, it always does. And women suck at quitting. And when they do, they just get fat. And bitchy. So there's no happy ending if they do quit. So, if the woman is a smoker, do you want to be with the bad-breath, sexy body, cancer prone, early aging woman? Or with the overweight, bitchy woman who will outlive you by 10 years? Nope, best to avoid that from the get go. Even, especially if, they say "I'm *trying* to quit". You don't "try" to quit something, you quit. Or you don't.
4. Pseudo sports cars or large SUVs - I'm talking Eclipses, CRXs, Mustangs, Camaros, etc. 2-door "look at me" cars. Good women drive a) 4-door cars/wagons, b) compact-cars c) mini-vans, d) small SUVs/Jeeps. Psuedo sports car women are self-centered, conceited bitches. Large SUV women are those very same women who've latched onto a wealthy guy. If they're single now and drive it, they got if from their ex-hubbies. Very high maintenance and they'll take you for everything in the divorce. Look great at the office party, but how much of your time is spent at an office party? The *only* way to avoid a strike if the woman says "This car? I hate it, I really wanted a nice sedan but.......". A special place of dishonor exists for BMW women. *Extremely high maintenance* and very condescending and judgmental. This is probably the only car brand where you get a strike for choosing a sedan. It doesn't matter. The whole purpose is for them to position themselves for the wealthiest single guy they can find. It could be safe to make this a 3-strike rule, unless the car is sufficiently old to qualify as a classic. Good women also ride Hawks.
5. New Age anything - If they're into Yoga, Tai Chi, massage, vegetarianism, that's a strike. Unless you're into that kind of thing. New Age women are very high stress and/or very troubled. They do this stuff because they need mental/emotional help. When they are not doing these activities, they are neurotic, anxious, stressed. They anger easily. And they are completely illogical. They tend to have problems with men and relationships. No matter how sexy they are, don't stop yourself from issuing the strike. They're usually sexy, but that's NOT the problem!
6. Drugs/Alcohol - One strike for each drug. One strike if she doesn't drink. Hypocritical? Not really. While there may not be anything wrong with an occasional joint for some people, it really should be a college phase *at worst*, not a lifestyle, especially if you want to have kids. Adding any other drugs is more like instant disqualification, including and especially prescription psycho active drugs. Unless you're a drug addict and need to feel good about yourself and you can have mutual dosing and bonding sessions and save money by seeing the same shrink as a couple. Of course, this is all common sense, but for instance, unless you're a teetotaler, a woman than can't relax, unwind and have a glass of wine or two is a total drag. Women who don't drink are generally control freaks and can't relax ever. And they usually hate going to parties and hanging out with your friends. They'd rather sit around and drink coffee or tea and having boring conversations in which you are expected to participate. At these roaring fiestas, it is best to remember two key phrases - "I have no opinion" and "Whatever you say, dear".
7. Body Modification - You get one and only one freebie on this. Earrings don't count. You can have one non-visible tattoo, one small surgery, one additional hidden piercing. However, beyond that, you're in the strike zone. Breast job? No. Unless you're equally shallow, then go crazy. Tongue piercing? Gong. Of course, that's *never* just the second piercing, they're are usually even weirder piercings leading up to the tongue. People that do this have self-esteem problems, identity problems, or are just plain wacky. Or are into "appearances". Or really slutty, but in a bad way. As in a "oops, she's having sex with my best friend" way.
8. Divorced parents - Sorry, but this really sets the bar low for the kids. Some people get divorced because they have little option, but if you're a child and your parents divorced it really screws up your sense that relationships matter or that you can have a long term relationship. Not always, but most of the good women have happily married parents. If your parents are divorced, then it's okay to date someone with divorced parents. Don't expect to stay married, but at least you have shared experiences and can counsel each other and sometimes that even works. But if one has happily married parents and the other doesn't? Look out. The one with the divorced parents will find ways of sabotaging the relationship, consciously or unconsciously. Or, if things are "too difficult", they just leave. After all, it's "just a marriage, it's not forever or anything". They've learned that it's easier to leave a troubled relationship than fix it. Regardless of the consequences. Of course, this is only one strike, but can be a deadly combination with others. Just remember, when she says "I do" to "until death do we part", she's just saying whatever she has to in order to seal the deal. It might as well be "until our first major disagreement"
9. Disparate education - Very important. After all, what will you talk about? And, you're very educated and you're wife isn't, then you're going to unconsciously be an arrogant prick. Or you'll just drive your wife nuts. Find an equal, or within one degree and, better, "1/2" a degree. You have a masters, she has a bachelors? Fine. But if you have a masters and she has GED? You're asking for it. Likewise, don't go over your head too much or you'll never settle into being with "genius girl". An ideal relationship might be where the husband has a bachelors and the wife has either a bachelors or at least attended college. Besides, "high school girl" isn't going to get it when your long lost college buddies come back and you instantly regress 20 years to "near fetus" maturity levels.
10. Politics - Registered Democrat or Republican - 1 strike. Dyed in the wool liberal hippy chicks are fun, sexy, interesting and a blast in bed. However, by the time they're 40, they're no fun at all, especially if they're a feminist and especially if the US is not a socialist/communist hybrid commune by then. Unless they grow out of it with heavy doses of Rush Limbaugh or a major personal experience with crime. Or unless you're a liberal hippy guy, in which case, start taking testosterone injections. Nope, you're better off with a girl that doesn't think about that crap. And if she's a hard core conservative? Expect to not have much fun in bed or anywhere else for that matter. Most of them are just uptight, sticks in the mud and about as passionate as a tree. Try to stick with women who hate politics or are at least libertarian oriented, or a registered independent. I mean, who wants to go buy a new motorcycle and then get a lecture that your jacket makes you a murderer or that your choice of a BMW is supporting those liberal German weasels?
hehehehe, have fun :-)
