John Bell Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 1. If you’re sitting behind me, keep in mind that I LOVE it when you kick my seat! It really keeps the flight unpredictable. The best time is when I’m trying to sleep. Whee! Am I on a 747 to Cleveland or a 1939 DC-3 over the Andes? 2. When you lower your food tray, make sure to let it drop quickly so that the person sitting in the seat to which it is attached is reminded of the overly permissive parenting you were raised with. If you do it hard enough, it’ll feel just like you kicked my seat! If you have an obnoxious little 12-year-old boy, let him do this over and over—giggles all ‘round! 3. If you’re on an outer seat and I need to get by, you don’t need to get up—because let’s be honest; you’re lazy! So stay put and enjoy a face full of rump. You don’t mind if I pass a little gas as I squeeze past, do you? 4. By all means, bring the baby! Everyone loves hearing the little bastard scream its head off, gurgle, goo, poo, and all the other “cute” behavior it can dish out. Even better: Let it crawl all over the seats and stick its little mitts between them, trying to grab at those behind you! Don’t worry; I put the BabyTaser on safety, honest. 5. And let’s not forget you, flight attendants! Instead of asking the mom to pacify her screaming toddler, come over and shower it with attention! That’s what you’re there for, after all—to indulge your unrequited maternal instincts, you barren old cougar! 6. Lady passengers, don’t forget to put on hand lotion and even makeup in your seat! Everyone loves a good whiff of cocamide dea and sodium hydrobenzene. Allergy, schmallergy! 7. When you get up from your seat and need to grab something for balance, just use the one in front of you, with the sleeping person in it, rather than the seat you were sitting in! The jiggle of my seat as you squeeze your fat ass behind me says “Hey, buddy! I love you!” 8. On an overnight flight, when the lights are dimmed and other people are trying to sleep, it’s the perfect time for you to talk loudly to your family members. And, if we're over the ocean, open that window and check out the fantastic view of the wall of cloud below us! After all, sunlight never woke anyone up. 9. The armrest is all yours! by John Bell, seat 34E (Does it show that I just flew American Airlines yesterday?) Tee hee. Tongue is in cheek, for those without funny bones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gecko Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 My last 2 AA flights were from London to Dulles, AA was kind enough to upgrade all of the military on board to business class where we had movies (that you would actually want to watch), Bose headphones (you need to get a set of these if you fly alot) lots wine, good food and most important a big chair that I could put all the way back and go to sleep (very important when you are on the last 7 hours of a 28 hour travel day). I've no complaint about AA but then you see why Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DiveBomber Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 try first class, youll never go back! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bell Posted January 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 My last 2 AA flights were from London to Dulles, AA was kind enough to upgrade all of the military on board to business class where we had movies (that you would actually want to watch), Bose headphones (you need to get a set of these if you fly alot) lots wine, good food and most important a big chair that I could put all the way back and go to sleep (very important when you are on the last 7 hours of a 28 hour travel day). I've no complaint about AA but then you see why Glad to hear that, man. I'm sure not every flight is bad. I know not all their employees are slackers. It's cool they did that for the military folks. Our flight yesterday, however, was 1.5 hours late leaving. Then we sat on the tarmac for 45 minutes--while they unloaded a few passengers who had already boarded! (Not us, but we felt bad for them.) All while the cabin reeked of urine from some improper technique in draining the lavatory on the previous flight. Ultimately, we were delayed 2 hours overall--with no explanation or apology. Then, upon arrival at JFK, the baggage claim took literally an hour to unload everything, with long stretches where nothing came out of the chute. Thus we were late for the airport bus, which stops running at 11, and had to take a cab (eating the prepaid return trip we'd bought for the bus). And so AA joins US Air and Delta to form my "unholy trinity" of airlines. On a positive note, United has always been great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allee Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 United has always been great? Wow, I must be living in a parallel universe. I still laugh over the domestic flight from Wellington to Blenheim when I was in New Zealand last time. The airport was closed for 2 hours due to fog, and then the 2 flights after ours to the same place came and went, and all our passengers were demanding to know when we got to leave - given that we were first in the queue. So an official looking guy came inside, the counter guy asked him what was going on, and the reply was "hell, I don't know - but there's a spare plane out the back, I'll get that around for you if you can rustle up a driver". 20 mins later we were on our way ... no security checks, no nothing. My Canadian other half was gobsmacked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dantheman0177 Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 I won't even begin to regail you all with my horror stories, suffice to say that I travel around Europe pretty much every week and you can guarantee that at least a couple of times a month you will get on a flight that makes you think seriously about the merrits of train travel. However it was all topped off on a flight back from Rome last weekend (which had ironically been for pleasure, not business). We had not one, not two, not three but four - yes FOUR - screaming babies on board. And then the mother of one who was sitting one row in front of me and opposite decided to change her kid's nappy/diaper which was full of baby $£%&, but instead of taking the kid to the bathroom, she just did it right there in the seat, making most of those around less than impressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Bell Posted January 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 We had not one, not two, not three but four - yes FOUR - screaming babies on board. And then the mother of one who was sitting one row in front of me and opposite decided to change her kid's nappy/diaper which was full of baby $£%&, but instead of taking the kid to the bathroom, she just did it right there in the seat, making most of those around less than impressed. I think they should put all the babies in one section by themselves--like a kennel. Give each one half a mini-bottle of in-flight hooch, and they'll be down for the count! In seriousness, I think the airlines should offer adults-only flights--or at least all-adult sections of the plane. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
C5 Golfer Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 Couple of incidents I have had.. Once I sat next to an English lady while flying to London, I wanted to sleep since it was an evening flight she would talk and talk and then had the nerve to elbow me gently and ask if I was listening as I nodded off. My best was in an isle seat sitting across from a similar aged business woman , she striked up a conversation with me about 20 min into the flight and by the time we landed she had asked if I was single and had a vasectomey. :eplus2: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paragonUE Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 i can dig it, i know just what you mean Baby on board= no sleep for me and when will french airways learn that serving fish on a 12+ hour flight is a BAD idea that in mind, i did get uprgraded to business class by them, so i got to play video games, listen to digital CD's by unknown french artists, and recline my seat a full like 5 inches more, than the passengers in coach. and i SWEAR the blanket was slightly bigger.:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gecko Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 folks if you fly a lot you need to invest in a set of NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES....the more you fly the more you should invest. Even if you don't listen to music just putting them on removes the whole world from your hearing. As for horror stories....I've quit calling them that, they are now adventures it keeps me in a better mood. Funniest thing I have ever seen though was an EOD technician returning from Iraq fail the explosive check at Heathrow because he was sweating Nitro....he had a ream of paperwork explaining it but none of the Pakistani's were paying attention to that until the sirens went off showing explosive residue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trailertrash Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 listen to digital CD's by unknown french artists ah, i hate those pesky analog cd's in coach! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paragonUE Posted January 13, 2008 Report Share Posted January 13, 2008 ah, i hate those pesky analog cd's in coach!:D yeah, the selection on british airways is far better Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex1230 Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 You forgot the pleasure added by wearing a Bomber Industries hat or hoodie on the plane... Can you say Body Cavity Search? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paragonUE Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 yeah, no bomber industries gear on the plane, thats a no-no Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shred Gruumer Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 Your list is good,, its missing one. I had a flight back from Calgary a few years back.. and the last person on was a contestant on the world biggest loser...Im talking a 400lb women.. Im not lying..All I said was oooh please not me ,,,not me... and fdkl;faj.. she sat in our set on the Aisle... She couldn't even get in...so there I am ,,I mean fricken getting squeezed like a pimple... she fricken over lapped into half my seat.. obviously she need a belt extender..not one but two!!! We get into the flight, and its a red eye... the person in front reclines right into her fricken gut.. So she calls over the flight wench and ask if she can have the person in front to put her seat back up... She said No I can't do that , thats her seat and she has a right to recline.. so that ended. So the next thing she does is dig into her duffle bag size purse and pulls out a friikken huge bag of lays potato chips and just starts choppin... Are you kidding lady.. what the hell think got ya that big!!.. thats not it... she finished the bag... its now 2:00am and then she reaches in and continues to pull out more frislkdfing food.... NON stop she ate until we landed.. All this Time Helmut if laughing...you know why..because I was nice and said he could have that frilkkcnen window seat!! last time I do that... I fly alot so now i get the Aisle..and Im so anal about trying to get exit rows and bulkhead seats... I learn the airplane im flying on and strategically get my seat.. But the other missed one.. is when they put a movie on and ask the people lower the window shade and the one assss hooole next to you or in front don't put it down cause they want to look at clouds.. or read a book not turning the light on.... People are oblivius to anyone else... I try so hard to be a good passenger! Right said shred.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paragonUE Posted January 14, 2008 Report Share Posted January 14, 2008 ya know, airplanes arent always all that bad though, despite all of the pitfalls, if you skirt them properly, you can preoccupy yourself with what fine women there may be aboard, international flights+gorgeous swede women= not so concerned about the crying baby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK in PA Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 On the screaming kids, I've always empathy for the parents. If you think you had it rough listening to crying from 5 rows back, take a look at mom or pop when the plane unloads, and I guarantee you'll see a sweating, shaking, wreck of a human being, who for the last 4 hours has tried desperately to ease and quiet their little one; and who in the peak of their misery just might have swallowed the business end of a shotgun if so offered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MUD Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 On the screaming kids, I've always empathy for the parents. If you think you had it rough listening to crying from 5 rows back, take a look at mom or pop when the plane unloads, and I guarantee you'll see a sweating, shaking, wreck of a human being, who for the last 4 hours has tried desperately to ease and quiet their little one; and who in the peak of their misery just might have swallowed the business end of a shotgun if so offered. Thank you. SO, I got 2 good ones. The first one a a gal that sits next to me, see tells me she hates to fly and it makes her sick, oh great..... She falls asleep and wakes up as we are landing. We are landing at Boston, and I have NEVER had a smooth flight into that place. She starts to do the gag/cough thing.... Then she starts to gulp air and sweat.... I ask her if she would like the barf bag, she says "Oh no.... I'll be fine..... GAG!!! Gulp!!!! Gulp!!!!! She survived without puking. My buddy that was a couple of rows up thought it was hilarious. The next on is a mentally retarded young man that they sit next to me. He talks to me nervously about it being his first flight, I reassure him it will be ok and try to be nice. He turns to look out the window and he has this cut in the back of his head.... I get the Flight attendant and she says "WHere is his helmet?????" So as we take off he starts to rock in his seat, with his helmet on, mumbling about something...... After I try to keep him occupied by asking him some questions about his trip, he falls asleep..... I really felt bad for the guy, it didn't seam like anyone cared at all. I have ALOT more, but that's a good example of my luck on a plane. On the bright side they have been pretty prompt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RDY_2_Carve Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 try first class, youll never go back! You fly 1st but need help finding the best deals for lodging in Summit?!?!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RDY_2_Carve Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 Just fly KLM on all international flights!!! The force feeding of Dewar's will pretty much make you oblivious to everything else that is going on. Not to mention booze is free (unlike Delta). "Keep em coming"....or "can you leave the bottle?"... Oh yeah a 2-3 day layover in Amsterdam will make you forget about that long flight for sure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
willywhit Posted January 16, 2008 Report Share Posted January 16, 2008 You fly 1st but need help finding the best deals for lodging in Summit?!?!?! Ziiiiiinger !!!!!!:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: gone are the days of sticking a travel companion in your carry on for those long domestic flights, my old pal captain morgan was my fav but jimmy beam or john daniels or even mr walker (call him "red") would do the trick. It's funny how the flight attendents on the 17 hour haul to Brasil are more than happy to oblige with more "whisk" but Delta wants to see an ID for a free nip of Beefeaters on your birthday. Last trip to Paris, I waited and waited for that Heinie can and finally walked back and asked someone else, granted it was late night and I couldn't sleep.Then, waited 5 minutes for a friggin Bud and finally just snagged a full open bottle of champagne and went back to my seat, watched the simpsons movie and finally fell asleep....urrrrp. Getting ready to land, the same stewardess that never came back with the Heinie finds the empty champagne bottle under the blanket in the empty seat across the aisle and looks at me....sir ? sir ? yes ? is this yours ? not any more but thanks alot...with my best big friendly smile....merci boooo coooooo ! my wife was like...what was that all about ? nuttin' honey wish I could find the clip of vince and jon in MADE in first class harassing the stewardess..... Ricky Slade: Here’s 50 bucks, take this in case I get drunk and call you a bitch later.:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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