crap...now what?

[bjvircks]

I came home from work the other day and found that my 19 yo, drug addict, flunking 1 community college course, in trouble with the law on federal charges, jerk step-son has been using my notebook pc lately to cruise hardcore porn and do other crap. He said his notebook doesn't work anymore. No kidding! Everything (and everyone!) this kid gets close to is soon busted! His mom had promised him a notebook if he started college. So, here he is... flunked 1st term, now flunked 2nd.

Of course, shame on me for 1) leaving the pc in the open and 2) not password protecting powerup.

Of course, we are kicking his butt to the curb shortly (not for the porn but because of everything else... for the second time. This time with no re-admit possible and his dad won't let him in either)

What I'm wondering is... what kind of crap is now finding it's way into my PC and what is being sneeked out. Since I don't do much on the PC besides email, research, BOL, other general/reputable stuff... I haven't been keeping my protection sw up to date. I'm not computer tech savvy, and so I'm open to suggestions and reccomendations about what products and freebies work well and are good values.

What we especially need is some way to help this poor kid see that he is the only one that can help himself. Lockup, inpatient treatment programs, living in his beat up car, court ordered rehab and everything else hasn't made a dent. We will continue to make treatment available, but until he is willing to do his part... nothing will improve for him. Any ideas on this front?

[C5 Golfer]

I came home from work the other day and found that my 19 yo, drug addict, flunking 1 community college course, in trouble with the law on federal charges, jerk step-son has been using my notebook pc lately to cruise hardcore porn and do other crap. He said his notebook doesn't work anymore. No kidding! Everything (and everyone!) this kid gets close to is soon busted! His mom had promised him a notebook if he started college. So, here he is... flunked 1st term, now flunked 2nd.

Of course, shame on me for 1) leaving the pc in the open and 2) not password protecting powerup.

Of course, we are kicking his butt to the curb shortly (not for the porn but because of everything else... for the second time. This time with no re-admit possible and his dad won't let him in either)

What I'm wondering is... what kind of crap is now finding it's way into my PC and what is being sneeked out. Since I don't do much on the PC besides email, research, BOL, other general/reputable stuff... I haven't been keeping my protection sw up to date. I'm not computer tech savvy, and so I'm open to suggestions and reccomendations about what products and freebies work well and are good values.

What we especially need is some way to help this poor kid see that he is the only one that can help himself. Lockup, inpatient treatment programs, living in his beat up car, court ordered rehab and everything else hasn't made a dent. We will continue to make treatment available, but until he is willing to do his part... nothing will improve for him. Any ideas on this front?

Sorry to hear of your trouble.

First off where is the Bio Dad?

But on to a suggestion -- have you thought about enlistment into the Army or Marines? Being an ex Army dude I saw many problem childs get their head fixed, depends on many factors but it is worth a chance.

[bjvircks]

First off where is the Bio Dad?

nearby... but this neanderthal is the major part of the problem. He has emotionally beat up his 3 boys (eldest boy committed suicide by cop 12 years ago TODAY) to the point that both living boys are major screwups. Neither will accept professional help because of dad's programming of them in their youth.

have you thought about enlistment into the Army or Marines?

Just every day! One day I happened to bump into biodad. He said the kid needs to be thrown in jail. I instantly answered back that jail would make him worse, that the kid needed boot camp, a drill sargent, and a few years of life in the Marines. (the boy's maternal grandfather is a retired hard core Marine. He wore his Corp hat to our wedding!)

Worth a chance? Hell Yes!

But... the kid has underlying anxiety issues and some other things that require professional treatment. It is heartbreaking that we haven't been able to get the kid to accept help. I'm not sure he could get in to the military.

[C5 Golfer]

Dunno if this applies -- and you may already know ---But this may help

http://www.strugglingteens.com/military.php

http://www.strugglingteens.com/

Good Luck ..

[bjvircks]

12 years ago today the oldest boy (5 days shy of 17th birthday) robbed a local bank with a starter's pistol. Then he hung around nearby until the cops arrived. He pointed the harmless pistol at them and made them fire. After being shot a couple times in (relatively) safe places, he fell to the ground. From the ground he aimed the pistol at the cops again and they put him down for good.

His mother, my now-wife Dawn had been trying to get the boy help for depression and light drug use but biodad wouldn't allow it and instead insisted on more vigorous prayer. Now everyone is screwed up! (except Dawn... she bailed)

[tex1230]

drug addict, in trouble with the law on federal charges

enlistment into the Army or Marines?

Isn't it a little difficult to get into the military with those particular problems?

(honest question since it's been 20 years since I knew anything about recruiting)

[Dan]

What I'm wondering is... what kind of crap is now finding it's way into my PC and what is being sneeked out. Since I don't do much on the PC besides email, research, BOL, other general/reputable stuff... I haven't been keeping my protection sw up to date. I'm not computer tech savvy, and so I'm open to suggestions and reccomendations about what products and freebies work well and are good values.

Hey Bjvircks, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Sorry I don't have much advice to offer on the larger more important issue of how to turn your stepson around, but I do have some thoughts on cleaning your PC.

Trend Micro offers a free scan/clean service here: http://housecall.trendmicro.com/

I use it and as far as I've seen, it works well. Note that you do have to give permission for their Java to run on your machine.

[bobdea]

Isn't it a little difficult to get into the military with those particular problems?

(honest question since it's been 20 years since I knew anything about recruiting)

nope!

recruiters were helping people get in with all sorts of crim records

there's always the french foreign legion, lol

[rhaskins]

bjvircks - sorry to hear about this, watching anyone self destruct is very hard. I have personally had my time with alcolhics and other dependant people. You can get dragged down.

Eight cents of advice:

- You don't want him to go to the military. It would be a set-up for him to fail again. They will not keep people despite their problems. The military does not want to be a nursery for deliquents. I believe the marines would chew him up and spit him out a broken guy. Mental toughness is required.

- Change, no matter how you want it to happen, can only come from within. You can tie yourself up in a lot of knots over this, but you have no control over him.

- You gotta take care of you and your wife first. You and her might want to go to alanon or some other support group for those involved with addicts. Serenity prayer and the rest. It works. You'll understand what is going on better.

Good luck to ya.

Rick

[D-Sub]

run a good virus scan (boot time), then run a spybot remover, AND an ad remover

Avast is a good free anti, spybot search and destroy, and adaware

by the way...I know it's hard to deal with a reprobate, but it's good to see that you see the other side of it

just a suggestion, but, have a look at EFT. It is purported to work wonders with pent-up emotional instability

http://www.emofree.com/

it sounds like new-age hippie stuff, but testimonials say it works. I know, I know...testimonials.

[skatha]

I second the "no military" advice. A recruiter needs to have 400 people sign the bottom line monthly. He's your worse sort of advice. I'm a bit better-you will have your stepson enlist, he will fail because he's been enabled his whole life and he is not used to having to deal with consequences, he will get, at best, a general discharge or, at worse, a dishonorable discharge and he will have to explain that to future employers for the rest of his life. I should know, I started discharge procedures on lots of kids not fit for the military during my career. Your military is an organization made up of professional soldiers, sailors and airmen. That's all they want-likeminded people.

It's time for your son to learn some tough love. His mom and his bio-dad need to step back and allow him to suffer the consequences of his bad decision making, including jail time.

As for your computer, everyone has already mentioned good fixes.

A gun used during a robbery, even if it's a toy, qualifies as the crime as "armed robbery". The police look at the intent of using the toy, not the fact it was a toy.

[bjvircks]

The police look at the intent of using the toy, not the fact it was a toy.

The police couldn't tell one way or the other... From what they could see it looked just like a .22 revolver. No two ways about it... they did what they had to do. Even Biodad agreed, publicly forgave the cops. (he did actually say 'forgive' but I'm not really sure it applies. You 'forgive' someone who has done wrong... the cops did no wrong from what I can tell)

Military and AlAnon

I agree that forcing the present problem child into the military would be bad for all involved. However I do believe that he needs that kind of discipline and accountability, but not on the taxpayer's nickle. He needs to be consistently confronted with how his actions, choices and inactions create the conditions of his life and how HE is the only one who can be the agent of a turn-about. Parents, relatives and friends can make help available, but only the child can accept it as relevent to his situation.

I also fully agree with AlAnon for US. My wife has been deeply involved with AlAnon for over 10 yrs. It has been a long hard road for her as she struggles with recognizing her enabling and working to separate herself from her son's self destruction. Another difficult struggle is accepting that she cannot affect her ex's behaviors. I play a large role in helping her to keep strong without becoming hopeless or bitter.

One illustration I use to help Dawn cope is the concept of a swimmer. In a general sense, a child won't learn to swim or even float when family keeps holding the child's head above water. Occasionally the head goes under and the kid comes up sputtering and coughing. But after repeatedly going under and having family bring his head up for breath... this has become his way of life. AND the way of life for the family.

Of course, this analogy breaks down if, in a sense, the child has the density of stone and floating is an imposibility. I think this poor kid has a couple of concrete blocks chained to his feet. This kid needs drug rehab, but more importantly, he needs extensive therapy to help him cope with his brother's suicide and the crap his biodad piled on him. But unless the kid is willing to show up, open up and cooperate with therapy, absolutely nothing will help.

Well, enough venting... I feel a bit better now. On a brighter note... my own son is wrapping up his latest term of engineering classes and getting ready for a summer internship. He snagged a position with the Air Force Research Labs in Arizona, helping with high powered laser research. I am so proud of him on so many different levels.

[D-Sub]

that little **** should be glad he as people willing to help him. the fact that you're pondering all of this that deeply is impressive

I am envious of the guy. having a support system is something that should be cherished.

Dunno if it was intentional or not, but you seem to have overlooked my EFT suggestion. Please have a look.

[Terryw]

It sure sounds like you have done anything and everything to help him. It also sounds as though you already understand the what has to happen for him to recover. Impressive that his mother has also come to the same place. I watched my brother self-destruct for years. I tried to help him, let him live with me, etc.... all of the things you have also done. But it was not until I and my family let him suffer for his own actions did he ever decide to change. That change took years to start, but when it did it was a complete 180. I wish I could say that everything turned out wonderfully, however my brother passed away several years ago due to pneumonia. Due to a large extent because of the abuse of his body during his most self-destructive years. But the years we had prior to the onset of his final illness were very very good. I am greatfull for them, and I don't believe we would have even had those if we had not forced him to be responsible for his actions. I often regret that perhaps we should not have enabled him for as long as we did, perhaps things could have turned out differently.

[bjvircks]

Thanks D-Sub for reminding me of your EFT suggestion. This is very similar to some of the wellness work that Dawn does with the chiropractor she works for part time. This is very true, that the mind and the body are connected, sometimes in very direct ways and in other ways that are often very indistinct. A lot of the time I think these techniques work simply because the person decides to let themselves become better. I know this works... but again, the person has to show up and be part of it.

[bobdea]

what type of drugs does he do?

there's miles of difference between a heroine junkbag, a methhead and crackhead and they all benifit more from certain types of programs.

I suggest not sending him to any of the places that are run or funded by churches, low success rate outright with those. Also the 12 step programs are crap too, these also have a lower success rate than other programs. Bill W himself is one of the failures of AA.

If he's on heroine, that's relatively good news, knowing long term heavy users of a few drugs the heroine people suck the least and there's actually drugs to deal with heroine addiction.

Even a couple alternative methods that work, Ibogaine is something a couple hippy types I know have used and prefer it to any other detox.

here's a link to it http://www.ibogaine.co.uk/patrick.htm

there's suboxone too, thats available at lots on clinics and is the most painless detox method http://www.fda.gov/cder/drug/infopage/subutex_suboxone/default.htm

there are no cures, there's just some good drugs to aid in detoxing and some you come out further ahead than others.....

[bjvircks]

his addiction is to oxycontin, which is a heroin like addiction. About 4 months ago out of the blue he said he did want to get clean and wanted to try suboxone. We were so happy that HE had suggested a treatment, which would mean he had more 'self ownership' and it would be more likely to help. We quickly found one Dr in a town 40 miles away (next closest was 140 miles away) who was allowed to prescribe and got in for an appointment. The Dr agreed that it would be a good match but stipulated that the kid would have to be in a counseling program at the same time or he woudn't prescribe suboxone. The kid refused counseling and so the Dr wouldn't prescribe. The kid just doesn't get it... the real problem is in his head, in the way he thinks and his behaviors.

Anyway... he is getting thrown to the curb in a couple days, and he knows it is coming. And so for me, once again, another trip to the hardware store for a new set of locks.

[D-Sub]

A lot of the time I think these techniques work simply

because the person decides to let themselves become better. I

quite possible

know this works... but again, the person has to show up and be part of it.

yeah, they have to be there, although EFT can be done over the phone, too!

What I would say to the fella is "look...it's obvious you're in pain. you had some really ****ty things happen to you. you can choose to let them ruin your life and affect everyone around you, or you can make an effort to let go."

[bjvircks]

yeah, they have to be there, although EFT can be done over the phone, too!

I guess my way of looking at this is not so much as the physical presence but rather the emotional presence. The person needs to be on-board with the treatment. Too many times so far he has been in the meeting but telling himself it doesn't apply to him.

What I would say to the fella is "look...it's obvious you're in pain. you had some really ****ty things happen to you. you can choose to let them ruin your life and affect everyone around you, or you can make an effort to let go."

This is almost exactly what we are going to say tomorrow evening. We are also going to make it clear that when he is ready 'for real' we will help in any ligitimate way that we can. But we will also make it clear that he no longer has the power to make our life miserable (even though in truth, he does).

Thanks, D-sub!

[bobdea]

he needs to detox with a drug from oxies?

don't take this personally and I don't think you will but, that kid is a big pussy.

the type of oxy habit he'd have to have to legitimately need suboxone or methadone would cost him $1000s a week, he is either on heroine or the world's biggest sally boy.

When I was in my late teens I developed a decent morphine habit, I detoxed from that miserably but it was doable. oxycontin is hardly comparable to heroine or morphine. If he's not mainlining(IV) there's no reason he can't sick it out because he'd not be able to afford the habit if he were doing it any other way.

****, half of the heavy dope users sick it out every now and again to drop their tolerance down a bit.

If he says detox is too hard, call him on it.

if you can make a argument that he's dangerous to himself or other people, you can get him into a forced treatment program.

I'm not a fan of those and most of the time they don't work but they do work better than 12 steppers.

honestly sounds like the type of person who is ****ed and the drugs are just a side note. Oxycontin is a indicator of that, it's like comparing bud light to moonshine.

detox is the easy part even with heroine, staying clean is the bitch.

even then, I feel many people use drugs as enabeler to tell themselves whatever it is they do to other people is not their fault. this is one of my contentions with AA, in a way it allows dirtbags to pass the buck and that's a formula for relapse.

I guess I don't have a addictive personality or something because although I developed a physical addiction I never had too many mental issues and was not looking for a fix when the cache of morphine ran out.

cigarettes have been harder to stay away from and I don't smoke unless I'm drunk. I don't get drunk often at all.

some of my words may be harsh but I've done my share of using and been close to some heavier users, many of them are dead now. so I guess I'm opinionated.

[bobdea]

have you seen any evidence of IV use?

Rigs or anything, maybe track on his arms. If you see any weird welts or anything that might indicate coke going in IV. it's nasty as it kills tissue.

if you need any specifics on what to look for or just need support feel free to email me.

[bjvircks]

You are right on target when you said the kid's screwed up and drugs are a side note. We are calling him on it tonight (about 45 minutes from now if he shows up). Like I said earlier in the thread... he's got other issues to deal with.

[D-Sub]

I guess my way of looking at this is not so much as the physical presence but rather the emotional presence. The person needs to be on-board with the treatment. Too many times so far he has been in the meeting but telling himself it doesn't apply to him.

absolutely gotta want it. tough position for you to be in.

This is almost exactly what we are going to say tomorrow evening. We are also going to make it clear that when he is ready 'for real' we will help in any ligitimate way that we can. But we will also make it clear that he no longer has the power to make our life miserable (even though in truth, he does).

Man, I really don't envy you, but I truly admire you. Sadly, my parents never really called me out on anything and in all honesty I'm kinda a man-child now. I'm not blaming anyone...no time for that anymore, but...I really respect you for being willing to put so much effort into helping a young man.

I will say though, that, well, sadly...if he on your offers of help again...and you lay down the line and say "that's it" you absolutely have to stick to it. You expressing your absolute willingness to help him legitimize his life has to be mixed with some hard, "tough love."

Again, I don't envy you, my man.

[D-Sub]

hoxycontin is hardly comparable to heroine or morphine.

1)would you please stop spelling it "heroine?"

2)I'm pretty sure you are absolutely mistaken about oxy. It's stronger than morphine, and I think is actually more concentrated than heroin, AND I believe it is considered one of the easiest opiates to become addicted to and hardest to kick.

[bjvircks]

well, we figured it would happen and sure enough it did. Earlier today he told his mom he wouldn't come because he thought it was lame that we talk to him about the use of my computer to get porn. We had made it clear to him the talk was about kicking him out. What he continues to do is tell himself falsehoods which are safer for him to believe rather than face the truths of his behaviors.

Yes... we need to really hold the line now. We had let him back in when he had got somewhat better, made some attempts at getting help and was taking his classes seriously. Then everything backslid and he's back to where he was 9 months ago. A classic case of having his head held out of the water just long enough to grab a few breaths.

Prior to this (gosh, I got to say PRIOR) when Dawn & I initially decided to set the talk with the kid, Dawn & I had decided to offer the kid 2 opportunities to talk to us about his leaving the house. If he blows off the the 1st we offer the 2nd. If he blows off both... his stuff is at the curb that night. Period.

I don't use the kid's name here. This is not out of disrespect to him but rather to not have his name out there.