...AND THE FIGHT STARTED!! (eNJOY)

[CarvingScooby]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while

we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his

drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking

right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he

hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting

to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had

something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,

making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she

thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall

grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing

scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into

the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again

I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the

grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the

boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential

downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the

garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back

into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is

terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in

about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to

verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at

home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have

to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for

me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at

the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped

your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you

to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

[Gcarve]

Very funny!!:lol: I especially liked the one about the lawn and the toothbrush.

[C5 Golfer]

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, 'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

And that is how the fight started officer!

[Gcarve]

If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.

Funny stuff right there!

[www.oldsnowboards.com]

Thanks Scooby. I love a good joke!! Wish I could better remember them.

[C5 Golfer]

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says, "Yes, I am."

The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife.

The guy says, "Sure," and gets a photo to show them.

The deputy says, "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook"

And that is how the fight started.

[patmoore]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress;

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says; 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is blonde woman with a taser.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters;

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[C5 Golfer]

Bubba is driving down a back road in Illinois ..

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lordy mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites!"

[Gcarve]

:lol: now that's funni rite thar

[C5 Golfer]

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."