Aspen, Vail in police car war

[Pat Donnelly]

April 1st

From Aspen Daily Planet . . .

Reacting to news that Aspen was switching its police cars to Volvos, Vail officials said they were switching their police cars from Volvos to Lexuses.

"Vail is better than Aspen," said Vail Police Chief Dwight Herringbone. "So we have to drive better cars."

After hearing about Vail's announcement, Aspen officials said they were switching their police cars to BMWs.

"It really doesn't have anything to do with Vail getting Lexuses or anything," said Aspen Assistant Police Chief Loren Ryerson. "It was just about the cars. Really."

Vail responded to the news by ordering a fleet of Mercedes outfitted with flashing blue lights.

"Mercedes are better cars than BMWs," Herringbone said. "So we got some Mercedes."

Aspen reacted by ordering a fleet of Jaguars.

"After an environmental audit, we found that Jaguars are more environmentally sound than BMWs," Ryerson said. "Really. I mean that. And, uh, I think they're more suited to our mountain driving conditions. Or something like that."

The news sent Vail officials into a tailspin.

"Buy up a bunch of Porsches," ordered Vail Mayor Rod Slipper. "Now! I don't care how much it costs."

Later, Aspen announced that it was instead outfitting its police with Maseratis.

"A team of consultants found that Maseratis are better suited to the high speeds Aspen police may have to drive," said Aspen Mayor Helen Kindarud. "I haven't heard what Vail's doing. Have you? Not that I care."

Vail officials responded by ordering Lamborghinis for their police, fire, ambulance and public works departments.

"Beat that, you lefty Aspen snooty-snoots," Slipper said.

Aspen officials said they never intended to set off a battle with Vail.

"They can drive whatever they want," Klanderud said. "We've decided that land vehicles don't really suit the 21st century challenges our peace officers face, anyway."

Aspen officials announced that instead, they were contracting with billionaire Paul Allen, the Microsoft co-founder who funded the SpaceShipOne rocket plane, to develop a fleet of reusable rockets.

"They're recyclable," Klanderud said, "and Aspen is very in favor of recycling."

Vail officials were reportedly in an executive session with billionaire Jeff Bezos, the amazon.com planning to build a commercial spaceport, and couldn't be reached for comment.

[Tommy D]

I wonder who will be first to pick up some Colonial Vipers or some TIE fighters?

:D

[LeeW]

are you sure this isn't april's fool ?

Matter of fact, I just passed a Volvo crate on my way home in Vail in Vail Snowcat Yard.

[eastcoasticerider]

VERY GOOD.......SOON THEY WILL BE MAKING A DECISION BASED ON MILES PERGALLON OF BLACK GOLD.......HOW IRONIC ..OR SHOULD I SAY MORONIC.......BABYLON IS LAID TO WASTE.....EGYPT'S BURIED IN HER GRAVE..O YOU WHO DWELL ON MANY WATERS ...RICH IN PLEASURE ,WIDE IN FAME.....BROKEN.PRIDE OF MAN..BROKEN...NBROKEN IN THE DUST AGAIN.........(QUICKSILVER MESSENGER SERVICE.....CIRCA1967 SUMMER OF LOVE)..THIS GOES WITH A REALLY COOL JOHN CIPPOLINA GUITAR RIFF....quicksilvers first vinyl album......

[Guest Tim Tuthill]

Way to go Pat!!!

[Pat Donnelly]

4/1/05

Bear dumps load in woods

By Limey Scum/Aspen Daily Planet Slave

An unidentified bear took a large **** in the woods some time this week, the Colorado Division of Wildlife confirmed Thursday.

"(The ****) was enormous," said DOW officer Kevin Wright. "It was kind of green in color and the bear had obviously eaten some sort of berry prior to taking the dump. ... It was definitely a bear."

The turd, found in the forest surrounding Difficult Campground is believed to be the first confirmed ursine dump of the season.

"It was a real beauty, a keeper, I'd say," said local hiker Peter Dandrea, who uncovered the large stool Monday. "Fantastic."

There have been several suspected bear-**** sightings already this year, but the DOW has been unable to confirm these were from bruins. Wright said the Aspen area could expect a busy bear-**** season.

"I wouldn't wear open-toed shoes or sandals," he said. "If you do, make sure you keep your toenails clipped short."

[Pat Donnelly]

By Allyn Harvey - Aspen Times

April 2, 2005

Plenty of people were peeved about their parking tickets Friday, according to the Aspen Police Department.

The staffers at the front desk of the Aspen Police Department told The Aspen Times more than a dozen people had called to complain about parking tickets they'd received despite a headline in the Aspen Daily Planet reporting that parking was free on Fridays for the rest of offseason.

The Aspen Daily Planet is the Aspen Daily News' spoof newspaper that comes out every April Fools Day.

Some of the people who called the police department reportedly demanded their tickets be forgiven even after they were told it was the April Fools edition of the Daily News, with at least one claiming to be a tourist.

Dave Danforth, owner and mascot at the Daily News, said he's willing to share the cost of the parking tickets with "50 or 100" of the victims of his staff's tomfoolery, and he is devising a contest to determine who the lucky unlucky ones will be.

To be eligible, car owners must complain to the paper's management and then come up with an amusing explanation of why they were so naive as to believe anything the Daily Planet (or Daily News) would publish.

"We regret that people take this paper so seriously - putting it somewhere between the gospel and the Bible - especially on April Fools Day," Danforth said.

Danforth indicated he'd be willing to pay up to 50 percent of people's parking fines.