Mountain Personalities 101

[Shred Gruumer]

Soo who am I...??? hmmm I didn't tinker once this morning!! maybe cause I was still sleeping..

good runs on from 8 to about 11am.. then its a slush bump fest!!

What about Ego Steep Carver.. or Ganjala rider! -smokes enough pot in the ganjala to make everyone on the hill high!!

Is it Beer thirty yet?

[Shred Gruumer]

Now match the photo with the personality!!!

[Shred Gruumer]

What is this one?

[Dave*]

The Soft Booted Park Monkey ( Jibberus Reservus Primatus)

Natural habitat is the ski hill terrain parks and half pipes world wide, western canadian sub species is sometimes found clustered in arboreal terrain inhaling the burnt leaf of Canabis Sativa plant, theorized to be the cause of the mass confusion and often deleterious actions of the park monkey species.

The cry of the Soft Booted Park Monkey can often be heard while riding the chair lifts near the natural habitat of the park monkey, the usual cry sounds like a high pitch " duuude" " sick" or "sweeeet", this is often uttered while the park monkey sits in packs in the terrain park.

The male of the species is easily identified by his mating plumage consisting of lowriding pants exposing boxer shorts and for the elder male "silver backs" of breeding age buttock crevice will also be shown, leading scientists believe this indicates a direct lineage to the male Mandrill Baboons bright red buttocks. Social heirarchy amongst the alpha males is determined largely by how low the pants ride without falling off. The Burton encyclopedia of snowboarding has dubbed this phenomenon "the steeze". This mating plumage has developed an interesting evolutionary step in the locomotion of the Park Monkey with a very distinct wide duck footed stance as a method of keeping the pants from falling around the ankles not for any performance enhancement. The distinct behavior of the park monkey sitting on the slopes for large periods of time is to enhance buttock redness to be exposed while jumping and spinning from terrain park features to impress the female park monkeys.

The much rarer and more demure female Park Monkey does not have to compete for a mating partner therefore does not usually posture with the lowriding pants unless in the very rare instance of more females than males,

Reprinted from The Canadian Field Guide of Park Monkeys

[Dr D]

The Soft Booted Park Monkey ( Jibberus Reservus Primatus)

Natural habitat is the ski hill terrain parks and half pipes world wide, western canadian sub species is sometimes found clustered in arboreal terrain inhaling the burnt leaf of Canabis Sativa plant, theorized to be the cause of the mass confusion and often deleterious actions of the park monkey species.

The cry of the Soft Booted Park Monkey can often be heard while riding the chair lifts near the natural habitat of the park monkey, the usual cry sounds like a high pitch " duuude" " sick" or "sweeeet", this is often uttered while the park monkey sits in packs in the terrain park.

The male of the species is easily identified by his mating plumage consisting of lowriding pants exposing boxer shorts and for the elder male "silver backs" of breeding age buttock crevice will also be shown, leading scientists believe this indicates a direct lineage to the male Mandrill Baboons bright red buttocks. Social heirarchy amongst the alpha males is determined largely by how low the pants ride without falling off. The Burton encyclopedia of snowboarding has dubbed this phenomenon "the steeze". This mating plumage has developed an interesting evolutionary step in the locomotion of the Park Monkey with a very distinct wide duck footed stance as a method of keeping the pants from falling around the ankles not for any performance enhancement. The distinct behavior of the park monkey sitting on the slopes for large periods of time is to enhance buttock redness to be exposed while jumping and spinning from terrain park features to impress the female park monkeys.

The much rarer and more demure female Park Monkey does not have to compete for a mating partner therefore does not usually posture with the lowriding pants unless in the very rare instance of more females than males,

Reprinted from The Canadian Field Guide of Park Monkeys

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

OUTSTANDING

[Helmut Karvlow]

See ya next season for sure, unless the madd-tinker-lush catches up with me.

He may be on-the-chip with my post.

Park monkeys????? your killing me...........stop...it hurts to laugh any more.

[Dave*]

The Hardbooted Carver ( Ridgidius Carvelowerasaur )

The once plentiful and magestic Hardboot Carver is currently on the worlds endangered list.

Natural habitat is primarily the wide open plains of corduroy in the early morning. The hardbooted Carver lives in a symbiotic relationship with a lumbering beast called the Snowcat (Groomerus Slopus). The hardbooted Carver will closely follow the migratory pathways of the Snowcat picking at the freshly turned and smoothed snow for sustenance. Sadly this habitat is encroached upon by the plentiful Recreational Skier ( Twoplanker Wankerus) and the Soft Booted Park Monkey ( Jibberus Reservus Primatus).

In the fierce competition for mating rights with the even rarer female of the species a curious mating ritual has evolved in which the male Carver will demonstrate a series of low carved turns skimming the body along the corduroy in a desperate attempt to impress the females , most success is found if performed beside chairlifts. As female Hardboot Carvers are almost extinct the wiley male Carver will often resort to interspecies breeding, the offspring likely becoming the rare variant of omnivourous and versatile Offpiste Hardbooter ( Dave*Originalus).

It is theorized that the current Hardbooted Carver evolved from the once plentiful Simsburnerasaurs whos numbers were in decline due to broken tails and the more common and hardy Factoryprimasaurus. A giant meteor struck the earth causing a vast cloud of white powder which killed off the Simsburnerasaurs and most of the Factoryprimesaurs leading to ascendancy of the primitive mammalian Jibberus Parkmonkeyus. That which remained evolved into several regional subspecies , in the west the Priorasaur, in the east the Coilerasaur, and in the south the Donekosaur. From these evolved todays Hardboot Carver.

Due to fears of extinction and fear of his natural equipment sources dieing off the Hardboot Carver has developed the natural instinct to hoard and stockpile boots , boards, and bindings.

With the mighty Hardboot Carver on the brink of worldwide extinction only an aggressive program of radiotagging, corduroy habitat preservation, and forced breeding can bring this shy yet magestic creature back to its former glory as apex predator of the ski hill.

There have been some successful attempts at "bootsplicing" with "retroviral attitudinal reprogramming" and turning the Soft Booted Park Monkey into hardboot carvers. Most succesfull at this has been the Multinational BlueB Institute with at least five conversions to date.

Reprinted from Audobon Society's "Rare Critters of the world"

[D-Sub]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

DAVE RULES!

[BlueB]

In despite of the great catastrophe described in the article on Rigidius Carvelowersaur and the proliferation of the Park Monkey species, it seems that somewhat larger numbers of hardbooted Carvers survived on the “Old Continent”. As not much contact occurred between the two geographically divided groups, the European group evolved into quite distinct sub-species (Rigidius Dragosaur). The most prominent difference to North American sub-species is that Euro developed their mating ritual (otherwise similar to Americans’) to the extreme, where body is fully dragged on the snow. The belief is that this extreme laying-over is connected with getting laid, and that recent revival of the species is due to the extreme seductiveness of this ritual, to the extent that many softbooting primates, even some previously hostile Twoplanker Wankerus, converted and got accepted to the hardbooting pack.

The legend has it that the best weapon to hunt an EC is a Sword. Scientifically speaking, it sounds strange that a close range weapon is useful to catch such a fast species, but apparently they are so attracted to the Sword, they just lay-over in the snow, again and again.

Some of the European carvers got infected by a strange Virus. However, this didn’t seem to be a deadly disease, but rather improved the performance of the species in the eternal struggle for survival. Recently the Virus has spread over the ocean and great number of North American Rigidiuses got infected too. It is not seen as negative development for the species.

In despite of the similarities the N.American and Euro species often get engaged in bloody battles, mostly revolving about how the mating ritual should be performed. However, these fights seem to be more of folklore nature, as serious casualties haven’t been recorded.

Other interesting difference is that N.American male carvers are more obsessed with the length, while their Euro counterparts pay more attention to the width of their phallus symbols.

Differences aside, the 2 sub-species are still the members of the same species. As the communication is established and individual specimens, sometimes even whole packs, of hardbooters migrate back and forth across the pond, the gene poll is getting stronger and the species is on the verge of re-establishing itself to non-endangered status.

Extract from the Multinational BlueB Institute’s internal scripts

[modifiede30]

Havent' seen this one yet....

The Spandex Eating Race Wannabe - nick-named the "Mutant Sausage”

Often found at the bottom of the slalom race course smoking a cigar, waiting for another hopeless victim to consume as they finish their run, the mutant sausage appears to resemble Santa shoved into a child sized spandex race suit – all the while hopelessly attesting to his phenomenal run that few saw, and those that did, well, it was like watching an alcohol jello drink shoot down an ice sculpture into a toilet. It has been hypothesized that the mutant sausage skier is a hybrid of the Tram Farter and the Black Hole, exhibiting a never ending spew of sh!t but with a modern scent - cheap cigars replace the internally derived methane. This breed is only seen from the highest gondolas and trams, but once seen, they will forever burn an image into your skull that is never forgotten - a very unfortunate experience.

[zoom]

The Gimpy Couch Carver (Rigidus brokenasaurus)

Although the Gimpy Couch Carver is rarely seen on the mountain, it may be easily observed in the forums of Bomber Online and at lower elevation watering holes frequented by other species of Rigidus. Although many GCC exhibit clear identifying marks, such as crutches, slings, casts, braces, ice packs, bandages, and large manila envelopes containing its most recent round of x-rays, other members of the species are best identified with a metal detector.

In its native habitat (online), the GCC is most frequently found in its gear-lined nest offering advice to more mobile Rigidus.

Due to its limited movement, the mating rituals of the GCC are primarily vocal in nature. Its primary mating call is, "I woulda gotten 100 days this year if I hadn't...."

[Gecko]

Dave, Blue B I need the thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have just spent the last 20 minutes ROFLMAO in the food court here on Diego Garcia...you really brightened my day thanks.

[Erik J]

The belief is that this extreme laying-over is connected with getting laid, and that recent revival of the species is due to the extreme seductiveness of this ritual, to the extent that many softbooting primates, even some previously hostile Twoplanker Wankerus, converted and got accepted to the hardbooting pack.

AHHHHHHhhhhhhhh....this carving thing serves a twofold purpose. This is very interesting. Smearing ones hips on the snow serves as a mating ritual. If a mate is not found then simply smearing ones hips on the snow also serves as a form of masturbation, thereby aleviating that itch to procreate. This thread is becoming more and more enlightening. This self-knowledge is how (I believe) Ridgidius Carvelowerasaur may be able to evolve to a higher form.

[Erik J]

Soo who am I...??? hmmm I didn't tinker once this morning!! maybe cause I was still sleeping..

good runs on from 8 to about 11am.. then its a slush bump fest!!

What about Ego Steep Carver.. or Ganjala rider! -smokes enough pot in the ganjala to make everyone on the hill high!!

Is it Beer thirty yet?

Shred, you know I love you baby.

Who am I?

Socially inept, white trash, wanna be-

Prone to random outbursts about "boners" because he doesn't know how to act around others. Tries to cover his white trash roots with the facade of a gourmet. Has a home mountain in Jersey.....nuf said.

[Thumper]

I have just spent the last 20 minutes ROFLMAO in the food court here on Diego Garcia...you really brightened my day thanks.

Gecko, is it still 3 days in jail and a $1500 fine (1st offense) for getting caught surfing there? Definitely worth the risk when it's firing though.

[Blackbird]

Guys & Girls Thankyou sooo much for this thread... I haven't laughed this hard for years!!!

This sooooo has to be part of The Almanac!!!!!

[snowjonz]

Great posts! I've found that too many SoCal riders dress like the "Tough Guy", feel like the "The I-just-want-to-fit-in Guy", Talk like he's the "Next Pro" guy, and Ride Out of Control (just like they drive)....and never, ever gets the attention of the Quiet Girl.

Can somone drop a "Fake" bomb out here so that we can start over??

[Steve Prokopiw]

Seems like a series of 'Farside' type greeting cards based on these posts would be in order. I know I would be giving them to everyone on my list.Funny as hell.

[Gecko]

Gecko, is it still 3 days in jail and a $1500 fine (1st offense) for getting caught surfing there? Definitely worth the risk when it's firing though.

Don't know but it wouldn't surprise me kicking chickens is 1000 pounds, not wearing a helmet on a bike is 50pounds and I'm sure there are other silly fines. I spent the mourning following a sea turtle around the reef off the CPO club...very cool

[Thumper]

Don't know but it wouldn't surprise me kicking chickens is 1000 pounds, not wearing a helmet on a bike is 50pounds and I'm sure there are other silly fines. I spent the mourning following a sea turtle around the reef off the CPO club...very cool

That's right, mustn't mess with the Queen's chickens. As I recall, chickens and ghost crabs are all over the place. Almost hit a 15'+ giant ray in the lagoon on a windsurfer, too. Have fun while you're there and keep your head down if you're going downrange.

[ak_rider]

I didnt know there was more of me, aka Quiet Girl. If you want to find me I'm usually hiking or hiding in the trees. Not talking is a choice, I'll talk if you find the right topic.

[pebu]

I didnt know there was more of me, aka Quiet Girl. If you want to find me I'm usually hiking or hiding in the trees. Not talking is a choice, I'll talk if you find the right topic.

So how bout them yankees?

(no, that's not right... change the topic, quick...)

So how's the boardin in Colorado??

(Yeah, that sounds better...)